Beardy From Hell – August 2012

By Beardy: Knower of Things on August 9, 2012 in Other

LEO Jul-24-Aug 23

After the amount of weight you’ve put on this month, the only place you’ll fit in is behind a tuckshop counter at closing time.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23

You’ll freak out this month when you notice that your toenails have barely grown at all since you last cut them over a year ago.
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LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23

Looking for a fast way to lose weight? Swallow a tape worm, eat as much as you like and watch the kilos melt away. All the models do it.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22

If you’re in a bad mood, take it out on someone close to you. You know you can get away with it and they’re probably getting too close anyway.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22

Clean your gear. The last thing you need is a forey that smells like a prawn chip or a sniz with the scent of a slice of smoked salmon.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20

C’mon, life’s not that tough is it? In most countries you can’t even drink water from the tap, unless you want your arse to become a tap.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19

AN unexpected mid-August cash windfall should be spent on a trip somewhere warm. You’re a nice person and you deserve a holiday.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20

Be warned: the person you’ve been giving so much pleasure to lately is about to become a major source of much displeasure for you.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20

Oh dear, you’re about to have a chronic zit outbreak on your arse cheeks. It’s most probably related to you not wiping your dot properly.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20

Be honest with your partner, for your benefit and theirs. Telling them how good they look won’t stop them from being fat – bad news for both of you.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21

You will struggle to afford carbonated water, fettuccine carbonara and those carbon copy receipt books from the ‘80s. Carbon tax perhaps?

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23

You’re not really that stupid/ Just remember, intelligence isn’t about questioning everything you know.