Beardy From Hell – August 2012
LEO Jul-24-Aug 23
After the amount of weight you’ve put on this month, the only place you’ll fit in is behind a tuckshop counter at closing time.
VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
You’ll freak out this month when you notice that your toenails have barely grown at all since you last cut them over a year ago.
LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Looking for a fast way to lose weight? Swallow a tape worm, eat as much as you like and watch the kilos melt away. All the models do it.
SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
If you’re in a bad mood, take it out on someone close to you. You know you can get away with it and they’re probably getting too close anyway.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
Clean your gear. The last thing you need is a forey that smells like a prawn chip or a sniz with the scent of a slice of smoked salmon.
CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
C’mon, life’s not that tough is it? In most countries you can’t even drink water from the tap, unless you want your arse to become a tap.
AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
AN unexpected mid-August cash windfall should be spent on a trip somewhere warm. You’re a nice person and you deserve a holiday.
PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
Be warned: the person you’ve been giving so much pleasure to lately is about to become a major source of much displeasure for you.
ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Oh dear, you’re about to have a chronic zit outbreak on your arse cheeks. It’s most probably related to you not wiping your dot properly.
TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
Be honest with your partner, for your benefit and theirs. Telling them how good they look won’t stop them from being fat – bad news for both of you.
GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
You will struggle to afford carbonated water, fettuccine carbonara and those carbon copy receipt books from the ‘80s. Carbon tax perhaps?
CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
You’re not really that stupid/ Just remember, intelligence isn’t about questioning everything you know.