Beardy from Hell – October 2018
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating in a dark corner of a movie theatre, except maybe during school holidays.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
At some stage you’ll abuse your position of power to take advantage of someone under your control, and you’ll thoroughly enjoy it.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
Don’t confuse being boring with being a good listener. If you can’t bring anything to the conversation, you’re not worth talking to.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
Using a KeepCup probably doesn’t compensate for the massive environmental damage your privileged Eastern Suburbs lifestyle entails.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
A forgiving mirror is a far better investment than a gym member- ship, especially for someone as sloth-like and lazy as you.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
You will no longer be able to resist the powerful urge to snap off a turd in public, so make sure you always carry a leaf.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
Politics is not like footy – you don’t have to stick with supporting the same shit team your whole life. Maybe it’s time for a shake up?
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
Be careful not to run over your selfish f*ckwit neighbour’s barking dog, unless you can be absolutely sure that no one is watching.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
Putting heaps of cushions on your bed may look cool on the one day a month you make it, but the rest of the time they’ll just be annoying.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
A weird dream about making love to an overweight person will haunt you, making your life quite difficult until you actually do it.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
Never ever let anyone see your Spotify history. Your taste in music is way more embarrassing than the weird shit you search on Google.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
If you read about some miracle cure for cancer on an obscure website with the word ‘green’ in the URL, keep that horse shit to yourself.