Beardy from Hell – September 2018
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
Stop worrying about the size of your arse. It’s what comes out of your mouth that matters, not your hefty hindquarters.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
Try getting in touch with your friends when you don’t need a favour for a change, then maybe they’ll stop screening you.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Being on a first name basis with your Deliveroo driver is nothing to be proud of. It’s time to start making some healthy home-cooked meals.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
Resist the pressure to live a lie on social media like your shallow mates. Joy of missing out (JOMO) beats fear of missing out (FOMO).
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
You’ve got the most amazing, perfect nipples and everyone wants to touch them and do little circles around them with their tongues.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
Arguing about economics and politics with your friends will only make them smarter and you dumber. Why waste your energy?
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
The first to apologise is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is a complete f*cking idiot.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
They say summer bodies are made in winter, which means you’ve left it too late again. Maybe book an overseas ski trip or something.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
Exercise caution when discussing your fetishes, especially if you’re dat- ing a friend’s sibling. No one wants to know their sister’s a salad tosser.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
Remember the days when people with kids used to shit you to tears with their selfish behaviour? You’ve become one of those people.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
A surprise encounter with a horse’s chode will leave you longing for something bigger to quench your thirst for old mate.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
Thoughts of quitting your job will quickly dissipate when the new round of graduates walk through the door and they’re all smoking hot.