Star Signs – June 2018
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Pay more attention to that thing between your legs. You’ve neglected it lately and it will seek revenge if you don’t give it some love soon.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Similar to reading tea leaves, you have the rare gift of seeing the future in a piece of used toilet paper. Look into the skid and all will be revealed.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Time spent meticulously preparing for something that you have no intention of actually doing is better than doing nothing at all.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Don’t spend a cent on new winter clothes. You’ve already got a sick collection of fleecy numbers and anyone who judges you can piss off.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Saying, “One of my best friends is from [insert country],” doesn’t excuse the racist comment you just made about people from that country.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Someone in your inner circle will attempt to pull a financial swifty on you. Always read the fine print and don’t pay for anything upfront.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
No situation, regardless of how shitty it may seem, will go on forever, so just hang in there and eventually the storm will clear.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
A massive electricity bill is a lot less painful than a miserable, shitty winter, so go out and buy a heater for every room in your house, now!
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Unintentionally biting into hard things and hurting your teeth will lead you to consider wearing a mouthguard during meal times.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
An itch within 5cms of your junk must not be ignored. If you need to touch it more than three times a day, you need to see a doctor.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Ease your mental load by externalising your woes and burdening everyone around you with your problems, like you always do.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Spelling is important and people may judge you based on your spelling and treat you like an idiot, so definately pay attension to detail.