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BACKPACKERS TO BE SLAUGHTERED FOR STEALING MILLION DOLLAR VIEWS

By Kieran Blake on March 9, 2017 in Satire

Picture: Stuart Hutton

Picture: Stuart Hutton

Eastern Beaches residents are arming themselves to the teeth in preparation for a mass slaughter of backpackers, who continue to ruin their exclusive waterfront views.

Beachfront residents will eradicate the pesky travellers as part of ‘The Younger Games’, the most exciting and anticipated offering on Sydney’s entertainment calendar.

Residents, property developers and chambers of commerce were ecstatic at the launch of the new event, which they claim is long overdue.

“Eastern Beaches residents slave away for years in order to afford their piece of paradise,” announced a spokesperson for the event.

“It is thus their right to enjoy their views uninterrupted and unspoilt by lazy, unkempt, free-loading backpackers.”
A conglomeration of real estate agents also expressed their delight at any initiative that maintains the rapid ascension of the region’s property prices.

“This is why many realty organisations are so proud to sponsor the event,” one agent said.

When the games begin next month, backpackers who park their vehicles between any patch of water or greenery and a multi-million dollar property run the risk of being indiscriminately executed.

Irate locals will compete against residents of neighbouring suburbs, employing one or more of the following methods:
• Chopping off limbs
• Drilling holes into the person’s legs
• Removing a ring of skin from the torso
• Injecting a poisonous substance directly into the body
• Hacking them to pieces with a chainsaw, axe, machete, etc.

Bloodied and dismembered cadavers will then be hung from lamp posts as a warning to future intruders before the bodies are put to rest in Waverley Cemetery, where they can no longer enjoy spectacular views.

The vehicles of the deceased backpackers will then be converted into mobile food trucks serving ‘Filthy Fusion’, which must then serve dishes containing all of the ingredients left in the van at the time of slaughter.

The rustic food trucks will operate from the same location in which the backpackers had stationed them, so that customers might savour the breathtaking and sumptuous views while snacking on some creative cuisine.

The price of food does not, however, include the ensuing parking fine.

The backpackers themselves will not be forgotten. Every time one is killed, their image will appear on the Tourism Australia website above the caption: “So Where the Bloody Hell Are Ya?”

An anonymous local dining at a popular beachside café reacted harshly to condemnation of killings, which are designed solely to protect million dollar views.

“Million dollar views? Please darling! These days a million dollars buys you a view of a carport in Sefton,” she said.

Politicians of all levels and persuasions also supported the cull, stating, “At least we won’t have to pay the backpacker tax.”

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