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Eastern Suburbs Lifeguards to be Issued with Guns

By Kieran Blake on December 3, 2018 in Satire

Problem solvers, by Dustin Hoffman

Conservative elements within the federal government have successfully lobbied to arm lifeguards on all Eastern Suburbs beaches with semi-automatic weapons.

The politicians behind the push are praising the initiative, which is guaranteed to protect us from ourselves.

“All lifeguards patrolling the Eastern Suburbs beaches have been instructed and trained to shoot anyone swimming outside the flags,” explained a representative from the Shoot the Fishes Party, one of the major driving forces behind the proposal.

“Now that lifeguards have been issued with guns, we will all be much safer.”

The plan instructs lifeguards to use their handheld weapons to control individual swimmers outside the flags, while large groups will be kept in line through a strafing technique via drones, which have been equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry.

“This will keep everyone safe,” stressed the representative.

“No more swimmers will drown in rips, because they will be shot first.

“What’s more, not only will it rid us of unwanted elements at beaches such as Bondi, but the pure, unadulterated violence and authentic blood and guts will make for great reality TV.

“Speaking of Bondi, we’ve also encouraged lifeguards to shoot anyone riding a soft board at the northern end of the beach.”

Riders of a variety of surf craft have not escaped the new law. Board riders straying into the flags can expect a hole in the head, while certain other surf craft will be dealt with under the directive: “Stop the goat boats!”

The only group to have been granted an exception is bodysurfers.

“Bodysurfing is pure surfing,” stated the representative.

“Purveyors of this art form are welcome to whomp in freedom.”

Critics slammed the proposal as excessive and antagonistic, while arguing that the presence of dead bodies would attract sharks.

“Look, guns keep people safe,” the representative said.

“Plus, lifeguards will just shoot the sharks… as well as blue bottles.”

Clubbies who display the best shooting skills during the training phase will be appointed as snipers, outlined the representative.

“Bronte, Clovelly, Coogee and Maroubra are blessed with grassy knolls,” he said.

“Plus, I’m sure the folks at the rifle range at Malabar are capable of hitting an aquatic target at nearby beaches.”

The initiative will also introduce locals and visitors to a host of new sights at the beach this summer. Lifeguards will be clad in bulletproof vests and helmets, painted red and yellow for volunteers and blue for full-time lifeguards, a colour scheme repeated on their weapons. IRBs will take on a more military aesthetic and be mounted with machine guns, while nippers will wear bright pink Kevlar-coated vests and carry wooden guns while they train to become lifesavers.

Local beaches will also be in- undated with signage bearing the catchy new slogan: “Between the flags or between the eyes.”

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