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FREE LITERACY CLASSES FOR EASTERN SUBURBS DOG PARENTS

By Kieran Blake on October 8, 2017 in Satire

Smarter than their owners.

Local councils will provide free literacy classes to every dog parent in the Eastern Suburbs, in order to ensure that dogs are kept within designated limits at public places throughout the region.

A joint statement from Woollahra, Randwick, and Waverley Councils, in conjunction with Centennial Park and Moore Park Trust, outlined the innovative program.

“No considerate, thoughtful, and caring dog parent would ever knowingly walk their dogs in areas that are off limits.

“Clearly, they are simply incapable of reading the many signs that are posted in public spaces.”

The classes promise to teach all dog parents how to read signage and to act accordingly, in a progressive course.

“The highly recommended, and highly remunerated, educational consultancy company conducting the courses base their methods on the philosophy of Mastery Learning,” stated the spokesperson.

“Thus, once students have mas- tered the early units, such as ‘How to Read’ and ‘What Is a Beach?’ they will progress to more complex units such as ‘Identifying Signs and Symbols’ and ‘Obeying Signs and Symbols’. Upon graduation, they will receive a certificate and specially designed poo bags.”

The classes will be conducted at community centres, schools, parks, beaches, and cafes.

“Councils recognise the very real time constraints facing local residents and have endeavoured to deliver classes in locations that are both accessible and desirable,” said the councils in a statement.

“Furthermore, we are acutely aware of the severe financial hardship suffered by many Eastern Suburbs residents and their subsequent inability to access quality education, which is why dog parents will receive the classes completely free of charge.”

Cost and location are not the only innovative aspects of the program. The teaching method is also unique.

Much of the course’s content will be taught by dedicated council rangers and lifeguards with megaphones. Other course modules will be taught by a faculty of dogs barking throughout the night.

Components of the course can also be accessed online, via an app, “because no self-respecting modern Sydney-sider would ever take action these days without first consulting an app.”

The electronic delivery method also recognises the increasing future demand for the classes.

“As high-rise developments are inevitably built in the region,” the spokesperson explained, “the number of dog parents and dogs will be so great that they simply won’t fit in the on-site training locations.”

In addition, course material will encourage residents of densely populated areas to own nothing larger than a Legally Blonde Chihuahua.

“Councils are extremely confident that free literacy classes for all dog parents will garner the desired results and ensure that public spaces can be enjoyed by everyone,” said the spokesperson.

“And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just teach the dogs to read.”

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