Star Signs – April 2018
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
When you’re offered an amazing opportunity, but you couldn’t be arsed doing anything about it, just let it slide and it will come back later.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You’re fully aware of your need for a change of scenery but you never do anything about it, which is why you’ll always be a miserable prick.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Indecisiveness is generally a character flaw, but your poor judgment makes it more like a useful defence mechanism against dumb choices.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Holding in a turd that wants to come out will only make your farts rotten and damage your insides. Find the nearest dunny, set it free.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Stop trying to impress your new friends, invest more time in your old ones – they already know you’re a loser but they still accept you.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Let the poor bastard answer your first question before you ask them five more. If you’re not interested in the answer, don’t ask the question.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
What sort of idiot would forgo consumption now to invest, when you can buy now, enjoy now, and pay later? Saving is for losers.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
If any of your friends don’t get their kids vaccinated, take matters into your own hands by sourcing the vaccine and jabbing them yourself.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
When you can recognise a person purely by the appearance of their genitals, you know it’s time to cut back on your porn consumption.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Every time someone does you a ‘favour’, they record it on their personal balance sheet as a receivable, so don’t accept too many favours.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
At any given point in time, you have the power to remove all of the stress in your life by making a conscious decision to not give a shit.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Why are your nipples so sensitive? It could be hormonal, it could even be a virus, but I really wouldn’t know, because I’m not a doctor.