Should We Have Sex on a First Date?

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on March 12, 2018 in Other

Sigmund says, “Yes”, by Martha Bernays.

I’m always surprised that, even these days, there still is a double standard when it comes to having sex on a first date. If a male does it, he is called a stud; if a woman does it, she is called a slut. Shouldn’t we have gender equality by now? Should the belief that men and women be held to different standards of sexual conduct be a notion of the past?
This issue often comes up in counselling sessions with my clients. Sex can complicate a new relationship; not everyone plans to have sex on a first date, sometimes it just happens. You go out, have a great time, get drunk, feel sexy and, before you know it, you are in bed with someone.
It happened to one of my clients recently. She told me, “I just don’t understand; the sex was great, there was chemistry, but he never called or texted me after I gave him my mobile number. I feel so stupid now; what did I do wrong?”
I explained there was no perfect answer to such a question. If the guy is really interested, he will find a way to contact you. Maybe he was just someone who is into casual sex and was under the impression you were too. The most important thing is to not take it personally.
The assumption that a man will like a woman less after having sex on a first date is also quite unfair to men.
Many people recognise that sex is an important component of a successful and healthy relationship. Having sex on a first date may be okay for them and nothing to be ashamed of. As long as there are no expectations that there will be more dates, it’s not a problem. The experience may not be that great after all, and once is enough!
We are all very busy in today’s hectic world, and going out on dates takes up a lot of free time. For some people, it’s important to establish sexual compatibility early on in a relationship – if the moment feels right and there is good chemistry, why not have sex?
Another male client told me he went home with an exciting lovely girl who he met in a bar after they’d both drunk too much, but when he was sober the next morning the spark was gone and date number two didn’t happen.
It was the legendary Sigmund Freud who coined the ‘Madonna-whore complex’ concept, which explains how some men see women in two categories. The ‘whore’ is the woman he will sleep with and lust after, but he will never respect her as wife material and he will never marry her. He will look for a ‘good’ woman to marry – the pure ‘Madonna’ type, who will bear his children.
From a woman’s perspective, why would you want to be with a man with such double standards? Is having sex on a first date really such a bad idea?