As COVID-19 Ambassador, Pearl is here to take up the slack of the economy-obsessed federal government, providing advice on day-to-day living in a time of medical crisis. As mentioned in my previous column, it appears tha...

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Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23 Use the pandemic as an excuse for all your failures at work and in life, even though that’s got nothing to do with it. Libra Sep 24-Oct 23 Take a photo of your genitalia, then zoom in really close a...

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Ladies and gentlemen of the Eastern Suburbs, your new lifestyle destination is here: Welcome to Bronte’s Sartorially Luxurious Seaside Citadel (SLSC). This architecturally-designed super structure promises a new era of...

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EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found t...

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There has been a lot of controversy about the wearing of masks. I do understand, but if you think masks are uncomfortable, imagine being on a ventilator for three weeks. While public health experts, such as the World Hea...

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In my capacity as COVID-19 ambassador to the prime minister, I had promised in this month’s column to provide my faithful followers with “Pearl’s Guide to Pedestrianism During the COVID”. Alas, I am sorry to disa...

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Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 You worry way too much about all your possessions. You’d be heaps happier if you owned less shit, so stop accumulating. Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23 It’s not some silly genetic disorder or food intolerance t...

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Residents of the Eastern Suburbs are being lauded as national heroes after it was discovered that their expensive renovations have rescued an economy destined for certain collapse following the COVID-19 lockdown. The ent...

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  There’s been a lot of talk about getting back to normal, but what is ‘normal’? So far, 2020 has been like an episode of Black Mirror, directed by David Lynch, but was 2019 really normal? The dictionary defin...

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With a second wave of The Great Toilet Roll Shortage of 2020 waiting to engulf New South Wales, Pearl has appointed herself ‘COVID-19 Ambassador’, hoping to attract the same $345,000 pay packet offered to Scott Cam b...

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