Polo – The ‘Hectic Equestrian Ballet’

By Alasdair McClintock on February 2, 2016 in Other

Did you know that Polo is a thing in Sydney? Yep, they actually have events, teams and a booming community, if the official website is to be believed – a website that looks disturbingly like how I would expect a Double Bay nightclub’s website to look.

I have never played Polo, nor even seen it live. I can’t imagine the horses like it too much and I’ve been trampled over by enough angry 100kg blokes to know that an angry 500kg creature would cause significant discomfort. It’s not that I particularly love my facial structure, it’s just that it’s the only one I’ve got, so I’d prefer it wasn’t crushed.

Knowing nothing about it, I decided to do a little bit of research. Funnily enough, there is plenty of information readily available about the history and associated fashion, but you have to really dig to find a rulebook – and by ‘dig’ I mean specify your web search a little better.

If you’re interested, Polo is a team sport, played over 300 yards for 90 minutes with four players per side. The objective, like many sports, is to score the most goals. But the rules of the actual game don’t matter. In fact, the game seems secondary to the associated fair.

There is a one page ‘Polo Etiquette’ guide you can download and its first line is: “Polo fashion is the sleek twin sister to racing fashion; she’s elegant, glamorous and stylish but not afraid to have a little fun.” It then goes on to spend the entire page describing what you should wear to a tournament – nothing about shaking hands with your opponent, not spitting in the cucumber sandwiches, and not calling the Queen Mother an uptight old prude with IBS. ‘Polo Etiquette’ seems to suggest you can do whatever the heck you want, as long as you look good doing it, which is fair enough, I guess.

Apparently “the only essential accessory for the polo is sunglasses; not only do they polish off any outfit, they keep the wrinkles away.” In fairness, this is true. Sunglasses do polish off every outfit. Nuns successfully rock sunglasses. You can wear sunglasses naked and it will look ok. In fact, on a side note, if you are naked, this is the only time you can wear sunglasses at night or inside and get away with it.

The more I read, the more I became gobsmacked. At the risk of offending a lot of people in the Eastern Suburbs who happen to play or attend Polo, can these people really subscribe to such wank?

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. It is a game made popular by the British Royal Family, and they’re not entirely salt of the earth, are they? Harry and Wills might be alright to have a beer with, and Charles does all that stuff for the environment, but these are people that would probably consider me one of their ‘subjects’. That really doesn’t sit comfortably with me, I’m afraid. Especially as I failed so many of my subjects at uni.