Star Signs – May 2018
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Putting on a fancy outfit and going to the races does not make you a celebrity… until you have your first line of coke.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
The only way you’re going to be able to afford to live in the Eastern Suburbs is by gambling at least 50% of your income each month.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Living near a construction site is even worse than living next door to Charlie Manson – the cost of breaking your lease is well worth it.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
The only thing that can make you happy right now is a big stiffy. You know where to find one; grit your teeth and do what needs to be done.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Nothing proves how little you know about someone like a totally inappropriate birthday gift, so just chip in for the group present.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Having unprotected sex with multiple partners may be risky business, but it’s much better than having no sex at all, even if you get a wart.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
If you keep blaming everyone else for your problems, you will never learn why so many problems keep coming your way.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Just because everyone thinks you’re a selfish prick already, it doesn’t mean you actually have to behave like one all the time.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Pack your bags and leave Australia forever. It’s too expensive, you have no future here. The lucky country is somewhere else.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Your breath smells a bit like an arse. Not as bad as a freshly sharted arse, but an arse nonetheless. Please sort it out.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
A long forgotten lover will suddenly reappear and surprise you with the child you never knew you had.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
The dunny may be a great place to read news articles on your phone, but be careful not to get sidetracked and forget to wipe.