Seven Deadly Sins

By Alasdair McClintock on January 4, 2018 in Sport

You’d take that down after a few beers, Frank Bainimarama

The HSBC World Rugby Sevens Series comes to town this January. Held at Allianz Stadium on the Australia Day weekend, it is a competition that only the players – and perhaps Fijians – care who wins.
But the series has very little to do with the actual games. Any sport that actively encourages you to dress up in silly outfits has an astute awareness that people are there to party, not spectate.
Partying these days is fraught with danger, however. Social media, cameras, and unforgiving political correctness mean it is no longer safe to buy two cases of beer on a Friday afternoon and leave the rest in the hands of the gods.
It helps to have guidelines. So, here are the seven deadly sins one must avoid at the Sydney 7s to ensure, come Monday, you still have the respect of your family and friends:

The Mankini
It’s been done to death and needs to be retired. Yep, Borat was funny, but it was years ago. Get over it. No one needs to see your junk neatly outlined in fluoro lycra.
Full Mascot Costumes
While I admire your commitment, wearing a full Teletubby suit in the middle of summer and drinking beer all day is fraught with danger. There is nothing sadder than seeing a headless Tinky Winky passed out at 3pm.

Blackface
So, you’ve dressed up as a Fijian winger and you want to add the finishing touches to your outfit. Don’t. Yep, I’ve heard the “political correctness gone mad!” arguments, but if you’re deeply offending a vast range of people, isn’t it best to just not? In fact, if you’re even considering it, you should just stay at home and rethink your entire personality.

Too Much Social Media
Yep, we get it, you’re at the footy and you’re having a great time, but are you? After the third or fourth Instagram story, one begins to wonder. One post is acceptable. Two is questionable. Any more and you may as well be taking selfies in the bathroom. You’re clearly not enjoying yourself.

Pitch Invasions
Okay, the aforementioned Tinky Winky running drunkenly across the field is a hilarious prospect, but the pain on your wallet will be no laughing matter. Even though your mates say they’ll all chip in, trust me, they won’t.

Bringing Children
This will no doubt cause some consternation amongst parents, but the 7s is not a kid-friendly zone. Would you bring them to a nightclub? People are there to dress up and run wild, not be given judgemental looks for the odd bit of profanity and accidental nudity. Save family time for the regular season.

Offering In-Game Analysis
No one really cares about the game, much less your opinion on whether Australia should kick or run the ball. Anyone who claims there is strategy to 7s is a goddam liar. The only relevant commentary you should be giving is, “Get him!” “Nice hit!” or “Great try!”. Anything else is self-indulgent and superfluous.