Beardy from Hell – April 2012

By Beardy from Hell on March 30, 2012 in Other

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

The speed limit’s 50km/h. Please hurry the f*** up so the rest of the Eastern Suburbs can get their morning latté.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20

You don’t have to eat your meal so loudly that the chef can hear you. Just throw the staff a tip at the end if you’re enjoying it that much.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21

Patting dogs is a great ice-breaker if you’re looking to pick up in your local park, but taking a mate’s dog for a walk is pure brilliance.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

Don’t answer blocked numbers. It will almost certainly be someone trying to ruin your day. Just ignore them and they will go away.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

Be careful to avoid getting caught with a massive camel toe this month. I don’t know why but there’s something funny going on in your pants.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

Although texting while driving and farting during sex are both essential functions, they should probably wait for a more appropriate time.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23

No matter how pointless it may sometimes seem, your job is important and should be done with pride, unless you’re a parking officer.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

Drinking at trendy establishments with horrendously overpriced beer is only cool if you’re the bloke counting the bar take at the end of the night.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

Why is it that your partner always seems to need help with something when you’re busy but never when you’re not?

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

Idiots who stand two-out on escalators, take up two car parks or don’t have their order ready in a queue require public humiliation from you.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

Harsh words can cause long term hurt and lead to serious complications. A punch in the head is a more effective fix to a short term problem.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

You are armed with the most powerful weapon known to man and it costs nothing to deploy. It’s called a smile – use it!