The Burden Of Secrets

By Rupert Truscott-Hughes on September 23, 2012 in Other

A word of advice: if a friend asks if they can tell you a secret, don’t be too quick to say yes, despite your intrigue.

For whatever reason, a number of my friends and acquaintances assume that I am some kind of vault for their sordid secrets and ghastly gossip, and quite frankly, I’m fed up with it.

You see, in my opinion secrets come with an inherent burden, and that is why they are so rarely kept. When the burden becomes too great, the holder of the secret relieves some of the burden by sharing it, placing the burden of the secret upon their confidante.

A friend recently told me a secret, asking me, after placing the burden of said secret upon me, to promise not to tell anybody else. There was no “Can I tell you a secret?” moment beforehand; he simply blurted out that he’d been having an affair, told me it was a secret (oh really?) and asked that I promise to tell no one. The burden of my friend’s secret became too heavy for him to carry on his own so to relieve it he passed the burden on to me.

How is that fair? I wasn’t the one to have the affair (though I know how my friend was feeling having had a few of my own) and yet I’d become burdened with this secret.

I believe the burden of secrets often has to do with the level of guilt and shame inherent in the secret. The holder, racked with guilt for, as in the above example, having an affair, shares the secret, lifts the weight and feels for the secret-recipients reaction, hoping that it will somehow make him feel better about his adulterous ways.

I’m not sure if my friend was expecting sympathy or understanding from me due to my status as a serial philanderer, but I can assure you I was not forthcoming with either emotion. The last thing I need is the burden another bloody secret!

Unfortunately for my friend, I’m a believer that if you pass the burden of a secret on to another, it is only fair to assume, and expect, that the new burden bearer will also have to pass on the burden at some stage. That is to say that if you tell someone a secret, it should be expected that the person whom you told the secret to will then tell at least one other person, depending on the weight of the burden. I call this ‘the theory of the burden of secrets’ and in my opinion, it is selfish to assume otherwise.

So, if a friend asks, “Can I tell you a secret?” don’t be too hasty to respond in the affirmative. Be sure that you first alert your friend to the fact that once said secret is told, the theory of the burden of secrets dictates that you may tell at least one other person, and once you have told that person, they are also afforded the same rights.

The moral of the story? You’re secret is never safe with me, but the truth will set you free!