Beady From Hell – March 2013

By Beardy, Knower of Things on March 7, 2013 in Other

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
No matter how ugly you are, there will always be someone, somewhere, who finds you attractive so keep searching and don’t lose hope.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
The little red dot on your genitalia is nothing to worry about but it’s probably worth getting a swab anyway just for peace of mind.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
Not going out for dinner with your mates because ‘you have no money’ is a pissweak excuse when you spend over $300 a week on cocaine.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
You need to find something constructive to do with your spare time and you need to do it quick. Idle hands are the tools of the Devil.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
You haven’t really lost weight but for some reason your bum looks substantially smaller this month so enjoy it while it lasts.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
If you’re not loving your job, now is the time to put an end to it (your boss is a cockhead and doesn’t appreciate your hard work anyway).

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
A chance encounter with an old acquaintance will throw a spanner in your current relationship, which I must say is well past its use by date.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
The best place to get away from reality and all the annoying people in your life is the ocean. Take advantage of what’s right on your doorstep.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
Be careful to clear your web browsing history this month or you’re going to find yourself in some awkward situations.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Catching up on sleep is your God-given right and anyone who impedes your ability to do so deserves to feel the full wrath of your fury.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
As unattractive as they are, a big set of hairy testicles will get you very aroused this month, resulting in your best sexual experience in yonks.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Immediate retaliation is the only effective response to a bully’s taunts. The longer you turn the other cheek, the more you will get slapped.