Beardy From Hell – July 2013

By Beardy, Knower of Things on July 3, 2013 in Other

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
Friendships should be treated by investment deceptions and, as such, limited resources tied up in low yielding assets need to be reallocated.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
At some stage this month you will find yourself with a big, hairy set of of balls in your mouth. What’s more, you will thoroughly enjoy it.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Make instant friends by enthusiastically voicing your hatred of Julia Gillard to new acquaintances. This is the glue that unites us all.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
Your lack of respect for money is going to come back and haunt you when the tap gets turned off and you realise you’re f***ked.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
If you’re not already a surfer, now is the time to start learning. You’re much better off allocating your time to a more achievable pursuit.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
You need to get off your moral high horse. Fidelity is a function of opportunity, which is the real reason you’re so faithful.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
You think you’re clever for never paying full price for anything but the level of service you receive is always proportionate to the price you pay.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Don’t be shaped by society’s expectations. Your inner rock star is fighting to break free from its conformist shell but it won’t fight forever.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Always leave the house wearing a clean pair of underwear. You need to trust me on this one; it’s the best advice you will ever get.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
A big bearded man will come into your life and change everything for the better. Don’t bother trying to fight it; just let it happen.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
Don’t be too concerned about falling off your social ladder; you haven’t got very far to fall and it’s a pretty shitty ladder you’re climbing anyway.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Escape the downward spiral that is your life. The first step is to quit your shit job, get blind with a few good mates and then move on from there.