Pornstralia 2013

By Gerald McGrew on March 14, 2014 in Other

It’s been a couple of years since I looked at a 12-month sample of the porn browsing habits of us ‘Strayans. It was with more than a little excitement that I dusted off Google Trends and got ready to do a deep dive (*snigger*) on what naughtiness was being searched for in each state.

Disappointingly, not much has changed. No matter where we live, everyone is looking for basically the same thing. ‘Free porn’, ‘porn sex’, ‘f**k porn’ and ‘teen porn’ all rule the Internet roo(s)t. There were also plenty of gay porn fans out there, with many more on the prowl in NSW than say… Tasmania. Otherwise it was standard stuff all across Australia.

Far more interesting were the ‘rising searches’; that is, searches that grew significantly in popularity over the last year when compared to the year before. One of the biggies was ‘chaturbate’, which refers to the act of masturbating while chatting online, usually with a webcam involved. However, at www.chaturbate.com the watcher can redeem pre-bought tokens to give instructions and guide proceedings. That’s right, for a small sum you can direct your own live action bluey!

While that particular concept was much loved by Aussies, and many would say deservedly so, another entirely bizarre term piqued our interest in 2013. ‘F*ck for forest’ is a non-profit German organisation (of course) that distributes sex videos of hottie hippy lovers for a fee. Then, as the world’s first eco-porn crusaders, they donate the money to protect the world’s rainforests. We all know that Australia has historically been split between those who like to chop forests down and those who like to chain themselves to bulldozers. ‘F*ck for forest’ has managed to find a common ground. Even the most rabid Caterpillar D9 driving greenie basher watches porn. And despite the smell, our forest fans manage to record plenty of sexy dreadlocked ferals going at it on their site. Combine the two and it’s a rare win-win situation by any standard.

Another popular oddity was ‘adventure time porn’, which appears to be drawings and sketches of cartoon characters having sexy time. I suspect this is a nod to the diversity of our multicultural society. Asian cultures have long been big fans of busty doe-eyed anime lasses being ravaged by monsters with an abundance of tentacles. I for one have no objections. If the bogans from The Shire can chaturbate and blue-collar dozer drivers can beat themselves instead of a conservationist, I don’t mind the Haymarket sushi set getting their kicks from a comic.

Another popular rising search was for ‘beeg’, which is a newish and no-nonsense porn site. It has no viewer ratings, nor viewer counts, very few ads and a notable lack of the usual porn site accoutrements. What it does have is categories. Lots of them. In fact, there are 306 of them. It literally has everything, from ‘blue eyes’ to ‘brutal dildo’, ‘facesitting’ to ‘footjob’, ‘hairy’ to ‘Hungarian’ and ‘tied up’ through to ‘toilet’. And this is where we see just how far online porn has come (*snigger again*) with its ability to satisfy every possible whim.

And if you can’t find your favourite rude thing, I’d suggest you grab the camera phone, record yourself doing it, and sell it online.

Chances are you’ll make a motza!