Combatting Sexual Hang-Ups

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on January 27, 2016 in Other

By talking to clients over the years, I’ve realised how common it is for people to have sexual hang-ups. Often they are insecurities, inhibitions, shame or situations that prevent them from having enjoyable sex.

Hang-ups can put a dampener on desire and may affect your sex life with your partner. It’s difficult to feel sexy or be in the mood when these intrusive thoughts enter your mind. Being worried about sexual skills and performance is one of the major issues men can struggle with, especially with a new partner, and they often worry whether they’ll be as good as their new partner’s other lovers, or if they’ll lose their erection or come too quickly.

The movies have a lot to answer for in the way sex is portrayed; it is often unrealistic and confusing. On-screen sex usually shows extremely good-looking couples connecting with each other with little or no foreplay. They orgasm within minutes and usually both at the same time, which is almost impossible to do. This sets up many for disappointment when it comes to the real thing.

Poor body image – feeling self-conscious about the way your body looks – is another hang-up that affects both genders. For the average man, his penis is his most important possession and many men experience anxiety about its size or appearance.

Some women don’t like having sex with the lights on, because they don’t want their partners to see their not-so-perfect bodies, but men are visual creatures and having the lights off is not very exciting. I often suggest having some candles burning or installing lights with a dimmer switch to help make the bedroom a place where it’s fun to have sex.

Sometimes people are so insecure that they need to be told that they are good at sex, and keep asking their partners about this. There is nothing wrong with wanting some praise, but don’t overdo it; craving compliments can spoil the mood. Men should also remember that women sometimes fake an orgasm because they can’t stand to be pressured all the time with the question: “Have you had an orgasm yet?”

It’s important for a woman to know how to have an orgasm on her own. Then she can show her partner how to do it and how she likes it. Men love it when they become good at pleasuring their partners with oral sex and, of course, when they receive it themselves.

Another hang-up is that some people believe they are too old to have sex, but with hormone replacement therapies available for women and the many male erectile dysfunction drugs on the market, older people can enjoy a healthy, enjoyable sex life into their 80s or even older.

So what should you do to overcome sexual hang-ups?

Communication is the key to sharing your feelings and worries with your partner. Talk about the things you are comfortable with doing and be honest about what you like or dislike. Together, you may be able to overcome some of your hang-ups and enjoy sex even more.