How Men Can Look Even Hotter on a Bike

By Dan Hutton on September 8, 2016 in Other

Cyclists are like the wind farms and solar panels of the transport world – annoying, unsightly and often noisy. As a group they represent a socialist conspiracy, the purpose of which is to bring down the car manufacturing and oil industries and interfere with our God-given democratic right to drive a car, all whilst leeching off taxpayers by avoiding the expense of car registration. Let’s fine the non-helmet wearing ones out of existence and do everything we can to make the cyclists’ lives as uncomfortable as we can.

Thankfully these are not my personal thoughts as I enviously watch cyclists whizz past me while I sit lamely stuck on a government bus in peak hour traffic. Instead, I’m checking out the male riders, sweaty in their lycra, and thinking how dishevelled they look; an assault on my eyes. You would think they would pay more attention to their appearance whilst on the saddle, and I’m not referring to their physiques; it’s their flushed faces, bodily sweat and their hair stuck to their scalps. It’s not just male cyclists whose appearance offends me, either; it’s male joggers and gym junkies, too – have they no respect?

Although there are websites devoted to alerting MAMILS to cycling faux pas, they tend to be penned by self-styled cycling gurus concerned with the pettiness of lopsided riding jerseys. What male cyclists need is to be taunted into looking beautiful; constantly reminded how unattractive and worthless they are unless they resemble models 24-7 in the way female exercisers are taunted by the media and marketers.

I would like to see male cyclists do the following…

• Wear makeup – Apparently “76 per cent of women wear makeup to the gym”, so why should we have all the fun. I’ve read that “bare skin is great only if it is flawless”, so I want men looking fresh on their bikes wearing BB cream and waterproof mascara so they can flutter their baby blues at Pearl without the risk of panda eyes under those cool wrap-around sunnies.

• Spritz spring water mid-ride – Look “dewy fresh throughout your workout” by showing your ‘no hands’ riding skills, and reaching for the Avenue Thermal Spray instead of the water bottle to look your best for the ladies on the footpath.

• Adopt ‘cycling chic’ – In this post-feminist era, the Huffington Post advises women “how to look like a lady on a bike”, so I’m hoping to see male cyclists taking note by attiring themselves in a “flowly top or sundress” with “a scarf over the wheel rear guard to prevent loose clothing getting caught”. Beautiful!

• Cycle in heels – Heeding the esteemed advice of Sarah Wilson in her article, ‘How to Look Even Hotter on a Bike’, I want to see men cycling in wedge heels!

Finally, don’t forget to adopt the Gloria Swanson-style turban to avoid hat hair. You will be pleasing (and fooling) not only the NSW Police, but also the tabloid misogynist fashion police.