Sex Is Not an Olympic Sport

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on September 28, 2016 in Other

Why is it that we are shown so many unrealistic sex scenes in movies we see these days? Couples look into each other’s eyes, become aroused without foreplay, and within three minutes have simultaneous mind-blowing orgasms – this is a fantasy that in real life is totally implausible.

So when we see great sex on the screen, do we also expect that in our personal lives? Many of my clients complain that their sex lives are no longer very good, that they lack passion. These couples believe their friends and work colleagues have more and much better sex than they have. Not being satisfied with your sex life can often lead to emotional suffering, insecurity and disconnection from your partner.

About 10 years ago, Dr Barry McCarthy and Dr Michael Metz created the “Good Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. The authors believe it’s the unspoken and unrealistic pressures couples place on their sexual performance that can lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

The model is broken down into several essential principles and helps people to focus less on performance while increasing awareness of pleasure, happiness and emotional intimacy. Sex is valued as a positive and invaluable part of an individual’s and couple’s self-esteem, pleasure, intimacy and confidence.

They believe that relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate focus and are essentially intertwined. If partners have more realistic expectations about sex and receive more psychosexual knowledge/education, they will have better sexual satisfaction.

It is important to focus on positive sexual experiences while accepting that less positive experiences are quite normal. Performance pressure, fear of failure and worries about rejection should be removed. Sex should be integrated into real life and real life integrated into sex.

So what do I tell couples who come to see me hoping I can help improve their sex lives? Sometimes they believe they have lost their libido, but it often turns out that the sex they are having lacks passion. People in a long-term relationship can’t expect to feel as horny or want sex as much as they did when they first met. It’s easy to lose interest in being intimate with a partner when sex has become predictable and boring, which can then create a sense of disconnection and frustration.

Unsatisfying sex is quite common in long-term relationships, especially when we take our partners for granted. If you want your sexual needs met, you must first know what your needs and desires are, and then you must let your partner know.

There is also this myth that sex should be spontaneous – well, it isn’t. Sex doesn’t just mysteriously happen (as is often the case in movies). If you want to have good sex, you have to create the time and space to get in the mood and look forward to it.

Embracing ‘good enough sex’ can empower and motivate couples to be more aware that sexual performance is not the be-all and end-all. Just keep in mind that sex is not an Olympic sport.