HOW TO DEAL WITH A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

By Dan Hutton on November 15, 2016 in

It’s disturbing how often I see couples in my practice who, in their first session, just fight and accuse each other of the most terrible things. When I ask them why they are still together, they tell me it’s “because we love each other; we would like you to help us”. Often all I can see is a toxic relationship that is far from easy to fix.

Too frequently these couples are in argument cycles; they constantly argue about the same issues. Even if the topic of the arguments does change, the underlying triggers for the fighting stay the same. Failing to address and discuss these issues can ultimately lead to a divorce or relationship breakdown.

The biggest problem with toxic relationships is that you can’t really recognise them at first, and it may take a long time to realise you are in one. There are four main communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

When you criticise your partner, you attack your partner’s personality rather than his or her behaviour. By blaming the partner for a problem, we usually believe he or she has not met our expectations in some way. In both situations, whatever is going wrong, it’s the fault of the other person.

One of the issues my couples often have is the complaint of one of the partners that their sex life has become almost non-existent and that it’s the other person’s fault. It’s not always easy to talk about sexual issues, but being criticised doesn’t make the other partner feel like having sex in the first place.

Contempt is having a complete disregard for your partner. The message to him or her is that they are not appreciated, understood or respected. The contemptuous partner knows exactly when to attack from a place of superiority, which damages the wellbeing of the partner. This not a safe and secure environment for children to grow up in; it creates insecurity and anxiety that they may suffer into adulthood.

Defensiveness commonly occurs when a person feels attacked, threatened or judged. Some couples can be so focused on being defensive that it becomes automatic. It doesn’t matter what their partner tells them, they will react negatively. Becoming defensive can also be a strategy to deal with pressure. Without proper communication between partners, it will be very difficult to start solving these problems.

Stonewalling happens when one half of the couple refuses to participate in an interaction. Behaviours include withdrawing from the conversation, leaving the room, or giving the partner the silent treatment. Why is it that the partner who is stonewalling doesn’t understand that this behaviour simply encourages their other half to withdraw?
The reality is that toxic relationships will gradually make you very unhappy and will lower your self-esteem to the point where you don’t remember what it feels like to feel good anymore. By learning to recognise the dangers, you can take steps towards making a toxic relationship healthy again.