CHILDREN TO BE EXCLUDED FROM ALL EASTERN SUBURBS PARKS AND BEACHES

By Kieran Blake on April 11, 2017 in Satire

Vicious and filthy children are set to be excluded from every park and beach in the Eastern Suburbs in a concerted attempt to protect the district’s dogs.

Children under the age of 18 will not be permitted to enter any public recreation area following their owners’ flagrant and ongoing disregard for the law and the arrogant behaviour towards dogs and their parents.

Under the plan, children will be barred from areas such as the local councils’ beaches, rock pools, playgrounds, food preparation areas and bushland, as well as the playing surfaces of sports fields.

“Pestilent children are ruining our public spaces,” declared a blunt and lengthy joint statement from the relevant councils.

“They have taken advantage of the councils’ conciliatory approach to park management in the past and their disgraceful behaviour has adversely impacted upon the recreational experience of fellow users.

“Even the establishment of designated ‘child parks’ has not stopped owners from allowing their children to stray into public spaces. This has forced the councils to act in such a decisive manner.”

Dog lobby groups argue that too many owners of children have consistently and repeatedly failed to maintain effective control of their children, failed to ensure their children are de-sexed in order to stop unwanted breeding and behavioural problems, and have even let their children swim at the beach or in other public bathing areas.

“Put simply, child owners are ignoring the directive to be courteous to other people and remember that public space is there for everybody,” the lobby groups claim.

A council spokesperson conceded that while most child owners are vigilant in collecting droppings and putting them in the bin, they are very unlikely to collect wet, fragmented droppings from the bottom of a rock pool at the beach.
“Children are children,” the spokesperson said. “They follow their instincts, are known to relieve themselves in public, and the sheer quantity of children accessing our public spaces in recent years has forced the council to implement a policy that will maintain appropriate health and hygiene standards for all members of our community.”

Parents have complained of children spreading diseases to dogs, through chasing after and picking up dogs’ tennis balls, or even launching unprovoked amorous attacks on poor little German Shepherds.

Dog parents are pleased with the new law, and the uncompromising stance of council staff.

“Be warned,” the council spokesperson added. “Council rangers will act with customary swiftness and expediency. No warnings. No second chances. On the spot fines will be issued and enforced.

“Even painting over a ‘No Children’ sign will not stop rangers from removing children or their owners from northern Clovelly Beach.”