Sex, Lies and Technology

By Gerald McGrew on June 7, 2011 in Other

A friend recently reminded me that it’s been a while since I covered your favourite topic – online porn. And it has been!

This got me searching for the most current innovations being reported from the world of ‘stunt-rooting’. What was going on that was making online porn more watchable? 3D porn was touted as the ‘next big thing’, and it was going to re-write the rules in the same way Avatar recently re-wrote Pocahontas.

However, like so many heavily hyped new technologies, the reality is far less exciting than expected. There isn’t any decent 3D porn, as 3D capability on the average Bing Lee flat screen is fairly shite. Even worse, it turns out that instead of wanton masturbation leading to blindness it’s probably just those silly glasses causing it. So the porn studios have realised there’s no point going to the expense of filming it – for now.

With that in mind, let’s forget about porn (for this month anyway) and think about some tech things that are currently considered ‘the bestest’. Those gadgets and other ‘stuff’ that were predicted to rock our worlds but probably haven’t. Here’s a few that stand out:

Blu-ray movies -The idea of an average person going to the cost and hassle of buying a new movie player, shelving their normal DVDs, replacing them with Blu-rays and enjoying the viewing difference simply hasn’t worked out. My life without Blu-ray is just like my life without an extra set of arse cheeks.

In-car Internet – Just as the Jetsons successfully bullshitted our parents into thinking they’d be in rocket-cars by now, car makers have tried to sell promises of going online on the road. It’s rubbish. Who wants to frig around with a touch screen in your dashboard that only works when the car is stationary? Most of us prefer to risk injury by simply checking Facebook on the mobile while driving. Let’s face it, apart from driving, listening to music and having the odd root in the back, the basic of purpose of the car hasn’t changed for decades and isn’t likely to include returning emails any time soon.

3D movies – Another dud. The 3D-ness is dubious at best, the TVs are expensive, the movies are few and far between outside of kids’ shows (which look just fine in 2D) and it’s proven to not be worth the cost or drama. You want 3D action? Head to Penrith Panthers after 2am on a Saturday night and keep your chin down and your hands up.

The iPad 2 – A personal favourite of mine. Now 33% slimmer! It’s faster! The battery lasts longer! It has a new cover! Of course the original wasn’t fat, wasn’t slow and the battery was good. And there are about a thousand aftermarket covers for it. However, millions have offloaded their iPad 1 to their disbelieving significant others and bought the new one, simultaneously filling Apple’s coffers and outing themselves as slightly knobbish.

What is a recent technology that has made a difference? I call out the humble digital set top box. Not only has it allowed us to drunkenly choose between multiple free channels of dodgy late night TV, it’s also managed to worry our biggest media owners.

Just $99 to scare the shit out of a billionaire? I’ll take two please!