Beardy From Hell – July 2019

By Beardy from Hell on July 9, 2019 in Satire

The devil.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Even all the natural immunity you’ve built up from years of poor hygiene won’t save you from a debilitating cold this winter.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Everything you’ve achieved comes down to luck, so don’t downplay its role in the little bit of success you’ve had so far.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You’ll start to see an old friend in a totally different light after hearing of (or experiencing) their twisted antics in the sack.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
There’s something not quite right about your ears. It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what it is but you need to sort it out.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Get off the treadmill and you’ll soon see how easy it is to walk past everyone else and onwards towards eternal happiness.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
If you don’t really need to say something, maybe just think it, or at least taste the words before spitting them out.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Everyone has an annoying friend who brags about never getting sick; it is your duty to make them sick this winter.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Even though your time is way more valuable than anyone else’s, you should still pretend theirs is worth something.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t inspect your genitals with a torch; you’ll always find something weird and convince yourself that you’re riddled.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Owning lots of things creates stress, but spending money makes you happy so it’s not really a waste of money.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You’ve got a challenging month ahead, but you’ve got what it takes to get through it and everything is going to be fine.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
A trip to a Third World country to live like a king and feel superior for a while is the only way you’ll get your mojo back.