Putting Christ Back Into Christmas

By Pearl Bullivant on November 21, 2019 in Satire

Tighten your belts, by Philip Lowe.

Woe betide, it’s Christmas! As my loyal fans know all too well, Pearl never misses an opportunity to impart sensible advice during this holy time of consumption lunacy. So, my first piece of advice: if you are thinking of splashing out on a Lego Star Wars Advent calendar for your kiddies, you’ve missed the boat, darlings.
The uniquely Australian version of Advent was heralded in by the Australian Retailers Association on October 1, punctuated by the American abominations of Halloween, Black Friday and Cyber Monday, ramping up for the Boxing Day sales and then officially ending around mid-February with the first sightings of Easter eggs in Woolworths. Christmas Day falls somewhere in between the commercial mayhem, but since the major stores are closed the 25th doesn’t really count.
The Aussie Advent regime is wholeheartedly approved by a Star Wars loving God, the Hillsong Prosperity version of the big white man (not Pearl’s Camilla Kaftan version), of course.
Christmas may have morphed into 140 days of retail sales drivel, but the predictable spiel I look forward to every December is that of the outraged shock jocks, spraying venom into their microphones and blaming Muslims, Hindus, etc. for the lack of Christian Yuletide symbols in our shopping centres (I’m waiting for some marketing tosser to take advantage of our religious diversity with “Diwahli Deals” and “Red Hot Ramadan Savings”). Such utter nonsense.
Forget the sound of carols, instead it’s the noise of the Australian Retailers Association whinging about the lack of seasonal consumer spending and admonishing the masses for not spending their tax cuts for the good of the country and hence the economy. One could be forgiven for assuming the RBA Governor, Philip Lowe, is in fact Santa Claus, taunting us with the lure of interest rates depending on whether we are naughty or nice (i.e. if we open our glomeshes to assist our supposedly dying economy).
No association or geeky overpaid accountant will tell Pearl what to do with her money this Christmas, we haven’t hit fascism yet. No one can force this semi-retired accountant (who could run the economy far better and for far less than the incumbent) to spend money or run up credit to save Australia from economic ruin. The only ‘saving’ Australia needs is from being manipulated into buying more stuff, and that’s where I’m intervening.
Dear readers, do it for Pearl and celebrate Christmas by not spending. If we can’t protest in the streets we can protest by withholding our cash and gaining happiness from simplicity and putting those expensive mindfulness and yoga courses into action. It’s about putting Christ back into Christmas and you know that is something our devout Christian Prime Minister would certainly approve of!
P.S. Taking the piss doesn’t seem right when the very man who let Pearl gripe without fear or favour is no longer with us. Miss you, Dan. xx