A Christmas Prayer for Those in Need

By Pearl Bullivant on November 25, 2020 in Satire

Everyone’s entitled to some sausage. Photo: Daryl Maguire

Part of Pearl’s role as self-appointed COVID-19 Ambassador is to provide pastoral care to the masses, but I have noticed during these troubling times that those most in need are the affluent and powerful who feel threatened by any form of economic equanimity.
I know we are all struggling, but it has been a long time (ten years exactly) since Pearl asked readers to open their hearts and Glomesh purses to the rich, powerful and famous; people such as Sarah Ferguson’s financially strapped sister Jane and socialite Karen Upton-Baker, saddled with an $18 million mortgage.
But 2020 is a world away from a carefree 2010. If former Married at First Sight ‘star’ Amanda Micallef (for whom ‘being a public figure is such a curse’) can raise $5,000 from her inane fans to fund a move from Victoria to Queensland, I’m sure readers can join me in praying for three people in need this Christmas…

James Packer
Poor Jamie, depressed and forced to give evidence via Skype to the Crown Casino inquiry from the luxury of his $200 million yacht, perking up his mood by converting five of his Crown Hotel apartments into a six-bedroom house with room for five cars – my heart bleeds. Pearl wants you to forget Australia’s mental health crisis, where young people are unable to afford adequate psychiatric care and medication, and face a five-week wait for a Headspace consult. Instead, Pearl (and the media) want you to reach out to a billionaire with a bad memory and send Scotty Cam to help him with his reno.

Kathy Jackson
The former national secretary of the Health Services Union (HSU), whistle blower turned fraudster, turned bankrupt (when ordered to repay $1.5 million of union funds), turned darling of Tony Abbott, could be facing jail if found guilty of misappropriating $100,000 in union funds. Pearl must declare a vested interest in Kathy’s fate, having been on the HSU blacklist during the early 2000s (apparently a union dossier with my name on it lurks behind a toilet cistern in Randwick Hospital). There is something inherently wrong with a legal system where 80 per cent of Indigenous people found with small amounts of cannabis face the court system, but Kathy so far has escaped the clanger despite admitting to the misuse of union funds paid by the cleaners, porters and clerks. Let us pray for Kathy’s destiny.

Gladys Berejiklian
Poor G – what was she thinking, risking her career by canoodling with an unattractive and very dodgy Wagga Wagga MP named Daryl? Sheesh, next time choose someone sexy and slim with good hair. If Gladys had followed the trajectory of most lonely career women and adopted a real cat instead of a fat cat, ICAC would not be leering into her bedroom. Perhaps with the company of an animal she would have more sympathy for the koalas she is sacrificing to the wood chipper for her property developer friends. A moggy is on its way, Gladys, courtesy of Beast readers.

Readers, thank you for showing compassion to the real needy. Have a wonderful Christmas.