The Unreliable Guide to…Common Sense

By Nat Shepherd on January 27, 2022 in Satire

Rights come with responsibilities. Photo: Charles Darwin

The Unreliable Guide has been thinking about common sense. The fact that this sense is called ‘common’ makes it sound innate, something we all have, but over the last few months I’ve started to seriously doubt that. Back in December, just before NSW COVID-19 numbers went bonkers, our premier (hereto and forever to be known as #Domicron) told us that it was up to us to wear a mask, he wasn’t going to mandate it. But he strongly advised that we should, as did all the health professionals. Common sense would dictate, therefore, that we’d all wear a mask indoors. But because we weren’t being made to wear a mask by Daddy Dom, many people didn’t bother. In one week the number of new daily cases in NSW went from about 200 to over 10,000. Common sense? Clearly not. And there’s something else going on here too, a failure to recognise or perhaps give a shit that masks don’t just keep the wearer safe, they keep everyone safe. And this made me realise a very sad fact – our society is riddled with f*cktards and selfish twats.

Mask Up or Lockdown
I don’t particularly like wearing a mask, my glasses steam up and I feel a bit breathless after a while. My ears hurt if I have to wear one all day. But give me a mask any day over month after month after month of lockdown. Lockdowns suck, they really do. You never realise how wonderful teachers are until you have to homeschool your bored children all day. Those neighbours you thought were perfectly fine become the most repellent and noisy bastards. You question your sanity in thinking that apartment living was the perfect solution to city real estate prices. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home, but for many lockdown meant no job, no money. Events organisers, non-essential retail, artists, bands, buskers, comedians, actors, craft marketeers, travel agents, flight attendants, pilots, hotel owners, bartenders, nightclub staff, hairdressers… the list goes on and on. Lockdown causes often irreparable damage to a huge number of industries. But, you know, wearing a mask is like an infringement of my human rights, yeah? No, it isn’t. You self-entitled prick. Unless you have a clear medical exemption, I want that face cloth-covered. If you want to be part of society, if you want food, electricity, water, medical care, Netflix, music, lattés, Uber and Moët then put a bloody mask on inside and keep us all safe.

This Is a War
I’m old enough that my grandparents were young adults during the Second World War. My grandfather went to Egypt, fought Rommel (personally in his version) and got a range of interesting tattoos. But my grandmother’s stories were the most interesting. She lived in London, so she avoided invasion, but she survived the Blitz and extreme rationing. She had a gasmask that smelled so strongly of rubber it made her throw up, but she didn’t whinge about it. She’d seen her own father gasping for air, his lungs ruined by gas in the First World War. When half the street was demolished by a bomb, her mum made space for six neighbours. Selfish people without a social conscience were despised because they’d let the side down. And that’s what I think when I see people without a mask indoors – arseholes, letting the COVID-19 enemy win.

Finally, The Unreliable Guide would like to thank each and every one of you that have been doing the right thing. You are legion, you are lovely, and we salute you. As for the rest of them? Let Darwinian forces prevail.