Early Birds To Pay Congestion Tax At Clovelly Beach

By Kieran Blake (Satirist) on January 13, 2016 in News

A congestion tax will be imposed upon swimmers at the increasingly popular Clovelly Beach in an effort to ease traffic flow during early morning peak hours.

Swimmers will be forced to pay an undisclosed fee in order to access the water from 5–7am under a new proposal from Randwick City Council.

“Clovelly Beach resembles George Street at certain times of the morning and we would like to ease pressure on all users, the marine environment – and the groper,” read a statement from Randwick City Council.

Any swimmer entering the water from either the sand or the concrete will be required to pass through electronic motion gates, which will be installed at various parts of the beach. The gates will scan an electronic bracelet, like an e–tag, which will alleviate the need to extract money from speedos.

Various details have emerged, including a possible reduction in fees for those who live within a 100-metre radius of the beach, and a higher fee for anyone wearing running shoes while swimming.

Critics of the plan questioned the effect on pedestrians and the lack of information about how the money will be spent.
The council explained that revenue will be used for much needed banners along the beach at certain times of the year, and that pedestrians will not be inconvenienced.

“Pedestrians can use the existing paths, which do not pass through the motion gates, or the new bridge which will be constructed from north to south across the breakwater,” a Council member said.

Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore caught news of the plan and complimented Randwick City Council on its initiative.

“We praise the council for its forward thinking. A congestion tax for the Sydney CBD has been talked about for many years,” she said. “To assist with construction of the bridge, we can offer parts of the old monorail.”

A ‘friendly’ local, who lives within 100 metres of the beach, welcomed any move that reduced the number of people at ‘his’ backyard pool.

Editor’s note: Keiran Blake is an award-winning satirist. This article is a satirical piece. It ain’t real folks. I can’t believe I have to add this note in here, but as it turns out, people are stupid, particularly a number of journalists form the Daily Telegraph and Sydney Morning Herald who have been contacting Randwick Council for comment. Apologies to Josh Hay from Randwick Council for wasting your time…