A Nasty Piece Of Pie

By Todd Maguire on February 10, 2012 in Other

Don and his dog Harley were inseparable. Don was a builder and enjoyed the perfect work/lifestyle balance – perfect in the fact that he never really got his hands dirty and always made time to fit a sneaky surf or a round of golf in around his building site visits.

Harley was also on a good wicket. He was a mixture of poodle and Labrador – a ‘bitsa’ in the old days, but now society has labeled him a ‘labradoodle’ – quite fitting, he constantly reassured himself as he sat proudly in the front seat of Don’s work ute.

The true catalyst of their relationship was their common fascination with, and love of, the great Australian meat pie. Their work often meant long days on the road and indulging in a pastry treat was a convenient way to fill the yawning void of their stomachs.

One day following a morning site-visit in a small regional town nearby, the regular bakery the pair frequented was closed for renovation. Don knew his way around a quality meat pie almost as well as the late Artie Beetson and the look of sorrow in his eyes was directly reflected back at him by Harley.

Fortunately, a passerby tipped them into another bakery around the corner, so Don aimed his Commodore ute towards the back-up oasis and fanged it.

Surprisingly, it was true. There was another bakery. Don opened the fly-screen door and stepped inside the spartan store leaving Harley sniffing at the door.

“Whaddaya want mate?” the gruff baker coldly greeted, his eyes firmly fixed on the door. “And make sure that mongrel dog stays out too.”

Don was not perturbed by the cold reception.

“I’ll have two pies with no sauce, thanks. A good meat pie doesn’t need to be crucified with tomato sauce.”

The baker gave no reply. Don grabbed his two pies, paid the baker and wished him the top of the day. Still no reply. Don opened the screen door laughing to himself. “The local undertaker would have more go in him than that cranky baker,” he thought.

Harley was waiting patiently outside and was excited as a dog with two tails as Don emerged from the shop with the spoils. They sat at a bench outside the bakery in the sun, looking forward to their morning tea.

Don placed one of the pies on the ground for his offsider and watched it disappear in about five seconds flat – obviously the appetite of the labrador breed in Harley taking over. Don licked his lips and took one massive bite of his own pie.

The meat pie sure looked the goods but sadly stopped Don in his tracks. This pie was absolutely terrible. Don bravely swallowed his mouthful like it had barnacles in it and washed it down with a hearty swig of bottled water. Never before had he come across such a rank tasting meat pie. He was not happy.

Don was normally not one to complain but the baker needed to be aware that he was selling a dreadful product. Don headed back inside the bakery and came face to face with the cranky baker at the counter once again.

“Excuse me mate, can I have a word?”

Don explained that his pie was not quite up to scratch and that he would like his $3.80 times two refunded. The baker was aghast at the request and pointed out the shop window to Harley on the footpath.

“Look at your dog out there. He enjoyed his pie,” the baker defended. “There’s bloody nothing wrong with them.”

As the pair turned to look at Harley through the window, they caught him in a very uncompromising position, happily licking his own crotch area.

“Listen here!” Don demanded. “The only reason my poor dog is licking his bum is to get the taste of that shitty pie out of his mouth!”

Don and Harley gladly took the refund from the cranky baker and made a mental note to never ever go near that putrid bakery ever again.