A Rational Fear Of Flying

By Elizabeth Major on August 20, 2015 in Other

Flying could quite possibly comprise some of the worst moments of a person’s life. The plane ticket takes months of toil to buy and offers barely an hour of excitement between check-in and departure. All the thrill of travel quickly dissipates at the prospect of the tedious hours ahead.

You climb into a seat, laden with too many things: passport, neck pillow, money, hand cream, face spray, eye drops, water, a badly written book you hate by the end of the first chapter and a playlist you should have updated before you left Wi-Fi range.

Within the stifling cabin, you spend hours staring awkwardly ahead so as not to be forced into small talk, thanking yourself for the decision to purchase noise-cancelling headphones when you realise the young couple in front of you decided to travel halfway across the planet with a baby.

You listen to the growls of your stomach that failed to alert you of its hunger in your rush of excitement to get to the airport. The interminable wait for the drinks cart makes you irrationally angry until it finally arrives, and your resolution to start with a juice is quickly overcome by the necessity to order a beer to wash down the Valium.

Of course, you don’t realise how full your bladder is until the person beside you has put on his special travel socks and wrapped himself up in a blanket. By the time you realise you can’t wait any longer, it’s best to trust in your acrobatic ability, awkwardly squeeze over the top of him and make the decision of whether to offer his face an intimate encounter with your ass or your crotch.

The movies are mostly terrible, so the advent of mobile devices upon which one can bring their own shows is a godsend. The alternative of replaying your own candid phone camera video recordings that you once thought were amusing is a horrific thought.

Of course, the best advice I can offer any person looking to fly is to order a special meal. It will ensure you get fed first and, sometimes, with a smile. Do not be fooled, though; the cabin crew still hate you. You’re cattle and you are being moved for a relatively small price compared to the royalty in business class. If you’re travelling as a couple, take a moment to lie about your recent engagement. Sometimes this gets you the better wine or champagne from up the front.

For the smokers, take nicotine gum, spray or patches (or extra Valium). I also hear it is possible to take a cigarette into the toilet and suck back a quick draw, inhale fast and throw it out as the toilet flushes. Mask your misconduct with some perfume and gum and repeat no more than once per time zone to avoid suspicion. Obviously I have never tried this myself.

Inevitably, nothing will mitigate the groggy feeling at the customs line upon arrival at your destination. Despite the face-freshening spritz and eye drops, you will look like you just fell out of a tree. Jet lag is no excuse, though, so deal with your discomfort at the first pub you find, shake off the foot swelling with a hearty meal and engage yourself in a thorough scalp cleansing (just in case old mate next to you had lice). Bon voyage.