Beady From Hell – June 2013

By Beardy, Knower of Things on May 29, 2013 in Other

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
You need a new fad. You are notorious for not sticking to anything for very long and your current interest is approaching its expiry date fast.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
When you are about to tell someone a ‘secret’, keep in mind what you did last time someone told you a ‘secret’ and then don’t tell them the ‘secret’.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
By the end of June you will have no pubes. None. They might fall out, they might get pulled out, but whatever the reason, they won’t be there.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
You have some strange views that will really freak people out. Filter what is in your head before you verbalise it and put it on the record forever.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
You are in urgent need of some situational negotiation training to avoid further fleecings by friends and family in everyday life.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
This month you are going to experience the urgent onset of a massive turd whenever you are a million miles from the nearest toilet.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Escape technology for a few weeks and re-engage your real friends and get back to basics. Anyone who’s not on Facebook has forgotten you exist.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
The only genuine cure for chronic lethargy is sleep, and until you have a decent one you’re going to go on feeling like dog shit.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Trying to save on your gas and electricity bill is just not worth the pain. Pump up the the heat and enjoy the winter months in luxury.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
When someone describes you as ‘nice’ it means they don’t have anything good to say about you but you’re too insignificant to slander.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Relocate your toilet roll holder to somewhere more practical. Whoever put it there in the first place was an idiot and it’s going to cause and injury.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
Stop worrying about whether people like you or not. You are becoming really annoying and they will like you a lot more if you stop trying so hard.