Beardy from Hell – April 2016

By Beardy, Knower of Things on April 5, 2016 in Other

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Your relationship is dead and you need to quickly bury it and move on. Shaking a corpse will never bring it back to life.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
The more you talk about ‘being yourself’, the less you actually be yourself, but you’re probably better off not being yourself anyway.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
A hectic post booze-up ploughing session will leave you nursing red-raw junk and a workbench that resembles a coastal swampland.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
If you hang around rich people long enough, eventually you will magically get rich. Yep, just from hanging around them.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Stop arguing passionately about topics you know nothing about, just because people you want to be friends with are interested in them.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
The second something becomes slightly difficult, give up on it immediately. You never finish anything so why bother starting?

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Spend a day at home ‘getting to know yourself’ before all that pent up energy lands you on the sex offenders register.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Give that tree growing inside your undies a good pruning before it starts dropping branches and messing up your driveway.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
The little hairs around your bum-hole are colluding to form a net that will kidnap your nuggets as they leap to freedom.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Instead of working hard for a pay rise, complain about your boss getting overpaid and hope that this somehow achieves your goal.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
If there is not at least one guitar or surfboard inside your principal abode, then you are not living your life to the fullest.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
As long as you keep feeding the monkey on your back, he will remain. Starve him and he will eventually jump on to someone else.