Beardy From Hell – January 2013

By Beardy, Knower of Things on January 10, 2013 in Other

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
You are totally bored with yourself and in need of a complete reinvention in order to stave off a lifetime of monotonous misery.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
A wet and rather vocal fart in a public place will destroy what little confidence you had and leave you needing a new pair of undies.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
The best way to heal a strained relationship is by bringing a baby into the world; the added pressure will seal you together forever.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
The more time you spend in the ocean this summer, the better off you’ll be in every important aspect of your life, so go and get wet.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
Self-diagnosing minor ailments on Google is a great way to stress yourself out by becoming convinced that you’ve got terminal cancer.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Never give your time away for free. The second that you do, any value may have once been placed on it will immediately diminish to zero.

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
Stop trying to get stuff out of the way so you can enjoy life later on. Life is happening to you know and you need to start enjoying it before it’s over.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
Maintaining your facade of richness will get harder and harder. Get comfortable with being a povo because you’re going to be one for a while yet.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Next time you see someone paying for something while conducting a convo on their mobile, kick them in the junk and stomp on their phone.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
Don’t be one of those alpha-type dickheads who has to win every argument. Avoid confrontation; life’s much easier when you’re a pushover.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
Hurry up and buy Eastern Suburbs property so you’re not the only person left standing on top of the cliff when the rest are falling off.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Strategically align yourself with those who will advance your own interests rather than those whose company you actually enjoy.