Beardy from Hell – June 2016

By Beardy, Knower of things on June 1, 2016 in Other

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
The solution to your problems may not be easy to find, but a dip in the ocean can cure just about anything, and it’s free.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Get a dog, but only if you’re really bored of your friends and your job and everything else in your life and if you hate your freedom.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Your bum hole will hang wide open for at least a few minutes after you lay the biggest turd of your life. Be patient while it slowly closes up again.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Deal with your chronic insecurity by constantly putting people down and subtly sabotaging their relationships.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Stop being such an argumentative prick. Arguing about something you don’t know anything about, or give a shit about, is just stupid.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Avoid becoming obsessed with winning every little battle; there are some you just can’t win, so concentrate on winning the war instead.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Even though you’re fairly content in your current relationship, deep down you know you could do a fair bit better.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Running away won’t solve your problems. When the grief keeps following you Quit preaching your anti-capitalist nonsense. Capitalism works on the basic premise of self-interest and as such you are its key driving force.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
When you’re bored, all you do is drive everyone around you insane. Go and find something useful to do before someone murders you.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Accept the sad fact that your mobile phone is your best friend in the world and it knows more about you than anyone ever could.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Some people do nice things for you just because they’re lovely people and they like you, but this definitely isn’t one of those times.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Sleep is a basic human right and anyone that denies your right to the peaceful enjoyment of it must quickly die.