Beardy From Hell – March 2016

By Beardy from Hell on March 1, 2016 in Other

PISCES Feb 20 – Mar 20
Just because you’re aesthetically challenged doesn’t mean you’re completely worthless. A monkey is a deer in his mother’s eyes.

ARIES Mar 21 – April 20
Don’t stress about having no direction in life. Not every wanderer is lost. You’re not a wanderer, though; just a waste of space.

TAURUS April 21 – May 20
Trust your intuition; follow your heart. You know what you want so stop wasting your time and start pursuing your silly little ambitions.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21
A lopsided testicle or fanny flap is going to make walking slightly awkward. Surgery is probably your only hope at this stage.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 23
Beware the spiteful, envious prick masquerading as a caring friend. Weed out this poisonous individual and banish them from your life.

LEO Jul 24 – Aug 23
You’re a bully and you’re used to getting your own way, but you’ll need to alter your approach if continued success is what you desire.

VIRGO Aug 24 – Sep 23
Big things are about to happen for you, i.e. you’re about to get at least five kilograms bigger. The only remedy is to take up smoking.

LIBRA Sep 24 – Oct 23
Once you watch porn with your partner it will become and essential ingredient in every plough and there can be no turning back, ever.

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 22
Worry about the things you can control and let go of the shit you have no control over, which for you means letting go of everything.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 – Dec 22
None of your friends really care how much money you make, unless you make more than them… or less than them.

CAPRICORN Dec 23 – Jan 20
You’re such a hypocrite. You can’t be on Facebook and too cool for it at the same time. Accept that you cant live without it.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 – Feb 19
It’s never too late to say sorry, but only do so if it achieves some strategic objective that would otherwise be impaired.