Beardy From Hell – May

By Beardy From Hell on May 5, 2011 in Other

Taurus Apr 21-May 20

It’s time to reassess everything you’ve been told by your parents. Start with your religious beliefs, then your political views and go from there.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21

Winter is nearly here. Book a trip to somewhere sunny this month or you’ll be left behind in miserable Sydney, bored, pasty and cold.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

Talking behind someone’s back is not an effective means of communication. Try sending an SMS or, better still, put it on Twitter.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

Just because the sun’s up earlier at this time of year doesn’t mean you have to get up. Stay in bed and throw the leg over, it’s heaps better.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

As entertaining as whale watching can be, it is far more entertaining to watch people get seasick and vomit while they’re whale watching.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23

Head down, bum up is not a sexual position. It means that either your head is heavier than your bum or you should be doing more work.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

A wise farmer once said, “Open up and reveal a part of yourself and good things will happen”. Follow this advice and reap the rewards.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

Stop blaming your terrible skin on all the chocolate you ate over Easter. You’re just dirty and need to wash a little more.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

Stop complaining about Sydney. Try living in a country town or regional centre for a while and see how long you last before you try to kill yourself.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

The positive side of being on a shit pay package is that you will probably survive the next round of redundancies, but is that really a good thing?

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

If you scratch your bum and then pat your dog, your dog will think you are an arsehole. Is your dog on the money? Only time will tell.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

You make your own fun in life, so why not take up surfing like every other thirty year-old and go and run some locals over?