Beardy From Hell – May 2013

By Em Allen on May 2, 2013 in Other

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
No, a snail didn’t crawl through your undies, you’re just having a dischargey month and it’s going to continue for a while so pad up.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
MIssion for May: Find out what makes you happy. How can you even expect to be happy if you don’t even know what makes you happy?

Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
To be successful in business you need to be smart, likeable and hard-working. Unfortaunately you have none of these qualities so don’t bother.

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
Put your f**cking phone away you rude, antisocial arsehole. There’s a time and place and you need to learn it.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Your self-confidence has taken a bit of a battering of late but its only short term and nothing that a nose-ful of woof won’t fix.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
There are a squillion filthy diseases thriving in your reekin’ bath towel that will infest your section and give you a yeasty if you don’t wash it soon.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
An old acquaintance is going to make contact soon but only because they want something from you. Whatever it is, don’t let them have it.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Puppy Dog Syndrome: when someone kicks a puppy it will be loyal to them when it grows up. Stop being a puppy, start doing the kicking.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
Consider doing some charity work. You’ll need help one day and your karma account is currently in massive deficit form being such a prick.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Eastern Suburbs rules of thumb for purchasing decisions: Do I need it? No. Can I afford it? Probably not. Am I entitled to it? Yes. Therefore, buy it.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t be so disappointed with your lack of success in the corporate world. Remember, only a rat can win a rate race and rats are shit animals.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Why work so hard when increasing the options available to you just causes decision paralysis and unhappiness? Stay poor, be happy.