Beardy from Hell – May 2016

By Beardy, Knower of things on May 3, 2016 in Other

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
Aim up and take responsibility for your shit decisions. I know that the devil made you do it, but it was still you who actually did it.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
The only way you’ll ever be happy is by spending less than you earn, which means that you either need to earn more or spend less. It’s that simple.

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
A corn kernel will mysteriously appear in your dunny bowl, even though you cant recall devouring a cob in many years.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
You don’t have to be religious to be spiritual. Religion is a pre-packaged, dumbed down product for people who lack the capacity to think.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Stop fast forwarding your way through life as if you’re preparing for a better time. The time to live is now: get your arse off and get amongst it.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Why work so hard when you can get rich by borrowing money and buying heaps of houses. What could possibly go wrong?

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
Ignore hundreds of years of scientific research and let a few hours on Facebook influence any important medical decisions you may face.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
Its time to decide: pack up and relocate or sit at home watching TV, mourning the loss of the once fun and free city of Sydney.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
You’re punching well above your weight to think about locking in what you’ve got before they realize this and promptly flee.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
You’ve got an opportunity to help someone who really needs you. For a slight inconvenience today, you’ll be able to exploit them for eternity.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
You’ll realize that you have no freedom when you have to ask about five different people for permission to go away with mates for a week.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
You’ll read these horoscopes and think ‘I could come up with better horoscopes than these,’ but you won’t because you’re full of shit.