Beardy From Hell – January 2014

By Em Allen on January 10, 2014 in

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
One again you’ve left your run too late. Brace yourself for yet another summer of self-conscious fatness spent mainly indoors.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Throw a dog a bone. Every dog has his day and if you fund that dog’s start-up you could end up doing very well in the long run.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Don’t worry about someone thinking you’re a dickhead. You can’t be liked by everyone all the time and some people are just shithouse anyway.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Escape your daily grind, make time for reflection and try to find yourself again. You may even like what you find. No one else will though.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Don’t try to make money doing something you’re passionate about; you’ll just end up losing your passion and become even more boring.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
This month you’re going to experience and unavoidable urge to shit in a public toilet and no amount of forward planning is going to save you.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Measure your friends only by the value they add to your life and immediately omit any whose value does not exceed their risk premium.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Playing the diplomat will only prolong the inevitable. Lay your cards on the table and get the outcome sooner to avoid paying interest in the interim.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
‘Story toppers’ are the most annoying people in the world. If you have a friend that always has a better version of every story you tell, get rid of them.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
You’re about to enter the biggest purple patch of your life. Make the most of your new found awesomeness before it dries up permanently.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Instead of exerting yourself trying to escape reality, invest your time and energy into making your reality better than any alternative could possibly be.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
The grass is always greener on the other side because you’ve been greedily overgrazing. Find contentment by grazing conservatively.