Beardy From Hell – November 2014

By Beardy, Knower of Things on November 6, 2014 in Other

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
A sharp bit in your stool – possibly a nut – is going to cause you some mild discomfort. Please be sure to chew your food properly before swallowing.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
Your insecurity and craving for attention will leave you prone to doing some really dumb shit, but I’m sure someone will find it kind of funny.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
The slight burning in your weehole will only last a few days. It’s probably an STI, but if it’s largely asymptomatic, who really cares?

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
Sometimes things just happen for no real reason, so stop searching for deeper meaning in everything (unless you’ve got an agenda to push).

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
The number one rule in negotiating is to be prepared to walk away. Adopt this approach and you’ll get what you’re after for half the price.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
If you feel nothing, only numbness and emptiness, then maybe you aren’t even really alive. That’s why I cut (but I don’t recommend it).

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
If you ever pay more than $7 for a fresh fruit juice, you deserve to live in poverty and squalor for the remainder of your natural life.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
Next time you’re on the verge of telling one of your long-winded, lie-riddled stories, stop and think, “Does anyone really give a shit?”

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
Have more respect for your genitals while masturbating. The way you disrespect your junk is bordering on self-mutilation.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Your phone addiction is getting out of hand. Deleting Facebook is a good first step in weaning yourself off, but it could make it harder to buy drugs.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Before you quit your shit job, just remember: the only thing worse than having a job is the infuriatingly painful process of looking for one.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
You’re a selfish mooch, a tapeworm in the intestines of humanity, and one day you’ll get shat out and left wriggling on the hot concrete.