Dealing With Desire Discrepancy

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on December 27, 2013 in Other

One of the most common problems I see in my practice is couples struggling with desire discrepancy. It is natural for our sex drives to go up and down but bitterness often arises when one partner regularly wants less sex than he or she used to.

Some people call it having ‘mismatched libidos’; it does not generally reflect a lack of love but can lead to the questioning of sexual compatibility as a couple. Often the issue is about the frequency of sex: one person would like to have sex three times a week while their partner would be happy with once a week or fortnightly.

It is actually quite common for a couple to have different levels of desire. What are the chances that we meet somebody who satisfies all the requirements we want in a relationship and who also has the same sex drive?

Loss of libido is not a problem we usually associate with men; on the contrary, there is a belief that men can’t get enough sex and are always ready to go, while women may ‘have a headache’ or pretend to be asleep. However, some of my colleagues say that they are now seeing many more women who complain that their partners are not as interested in sex as much as they used to be.

When a couple doesn’t have the same sex drive a vicious ‘pursuer-distancer’ cycle often begins. The partner with the higher sex drive becomes the pursuer, chasing the less-interested partner for sex. The pursuer keeps asking for sex, becomes irritated or angry when rejected, and frequent arguments unfold.

The partner with the lower sex drive becomes the so-called sexual distancer, who tries to avoid sexual contact by going to bed early, is reluctant to hug or kiss as it may lead to sex, or picks a fight about something unimportant to create a distance. This behaviour provokes the pursuer to chase even more – and the distancer becomes emotionally and sexually unavailable. They talk less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they used to have soon disappears.

A man’s sex drive can fluctuate for all the same reasons a woman’s can. He may be stressed, unhappy, or tired as a result of working long hours. There may be lifestyle issues such as smoking, alcohol consumption, the use of medication for depression, high cholesterol, diabetes, and so on.

Men don’t always realise these issues can affect their sexual functioning. If they suddenly experience erectile problems, or premature or delayed ejaculation, they can become very reluctant to have sex and can acquire performance anxiety. They are often too embarrassed to tell their partners and they then start avoiding sex.

Women also may not realise that erectile problems can be due to health rather than desire and may take a partner’s avoidance of sex personally. They may question their attractiveness or wonder if someone else is involved.

It’s my experience that couples often leave these issues unattended. I keep telling my clients that they can’t expect their partners to be mind readers; they have to communicate better and tell each other when they believe there is a problem. Good communication is the most important thing in maintaining a healthy loving relationship.

This is often easier said than done, but to save your relationship, you may need some perspective, education and re-assurance from an outside source.