Do Threesomes Work?

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on May 25, 2016 in Other

Everyone has a favourite sexual fantasy; nowadays, having a threesome is very popular. A threesome is any group of three people in sexual activity: a man and two women, a woman with two men, or three people of the same sex. In real life, few will actually try out the fantasy, as often the thought of it is more exciting than the deed.

However, over the past few decades the idea of threesomes has been coming up more often and many committed couples find them a fun diversion; another option of making their sex lives more interesting. And it’s not just for couples, of course, but for single women and men who are interested in experiencing sex with more than one other person.

Cultural attitudes to sex, relationships and sexual identity have also changed. Threesomes are becoming more mainstream in popular culture. Having a threesome can be a relationship rejuvenator if you have a strong bond and want to explore together. It can be a really positive experience, but a word of warning, it should never be used as a tool to fix relationship problems.

For people who are used to being monogamous, the experience can result in jealousy, anger and feelings of resentment or inadequacy. For some couples, having a threesome is a way to have sex outside their relationship without actually ‘cheating’ on one another.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is to not communicate properly. It’s extremely important to first talk about your fears and expectations, and what boundaries will be set with everyone involved. Threesomes rarely work out well when one partner cares more about his or her sexual needs than the emotional needs of the other. Two people dealing with each other’s needs can be difficult enough, but when there is a third person thrown in there will be added emotions, concerns and potential problems.

The most important factor when engaging in a threesome is setting clear boundaries about what will happen, what will be okay and what will not. Will the third partner be male or female? Will you meet them beforehand, and how and where will you find them? Will it be just a one-off to prevent anyone from getting too close or becoming too attached?

No one should enter a threesome without being attracted to both parties, but falling in love is a no-no and, if that happens, it’s best to stop straight away. Of course, I mainly talk to people who have had a bad experience and I’m sure there are many couples who have a great time, as watching your partner having sex with another woman or man can be sexy and arousing.

My advice is that the best way to enter into a threesome is with an open mind. It can be sexually exciting, but it’s usually psychologically problematic. Every relationship does not have to be monogamous to be successful, but it’s a relatively rare relationship that is improved by the three-way experience.