How Much Sex Is Normal?

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on July 24, 2014 in Other

How much sex is normal? That’s one of the most common question I am asked by my clients. The next one usually is: What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having? These sound like fairly simple questions, but there are no right answers.

A couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and sex drive, and most importantly the quality of their relationship. I encourage them to decide what amount is right for them because there’s no such thing as ‘normal’.

This issue often comes up when the couple has what is known as mismatched libidos. If she likes to have sex four times a week and he only likes to get jiggy once or twice, they want to find out who is the abnormal one. It is quite common for a couple to have different levels of desire and it does not generally reflect a lack of love. Can we really expect to meet somebody who satisfies all our requirements and who also has exactly the same sex drive?

In the case of mismatched libidos, unfortunately the partner who wants sex more frequently will usually feel rejected and unwanted. Always having to make the first move can be demoralising. However, the partner who wants sex less frequently can often feel pressured and inadequate. This can result in a vicious circle where the couple starts avoiding sex all together. It sounds unsexy, but I advise my clients to schedule sex so the low-libido partner doesn’t feel pressured and the higher-libido partner doesn’t feel rejected.

In my experience there are happy couples who have sex every day, once a week or once a month. It’s not a matter of quantity but quality. More important than the frequency of sex is how satisfied couples are with their sex lives.

Less sex doesn’t automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfilment, especially for couples who have been together for a long time. For them companionship, trust and mutual reliability are often more important than lots of steamy sex.

Another issue is that people often only consider sexual intercourse as having sex. Many other activities can be considered sex, such as oral sex, genital touching, mutual masturbation or just affectionate behaviour such as kissing, cuddling, caressing and holding hands. All these activities are also associated with higher sexual satisfaction for both men and women.

Does frequent sex make us happier? A paper published last year found that people with higher sexual frequency are happier, but believing that they were having sex more than other people made them even happier!

Most sex therapists agree that if a couple has sex less than ten times a year it is labelled a ‘sexless’ relationship. A lack of sex doesn’t always mean the relationship is in trouble, as long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency. But in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationship can be overtaken by feelings of anger, disappointment and detachment, which can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss as there is a fear of hurting each other’s feelings, but I believe having sex is important: it’s like the glue that keeps us together. If your relationship is in trouble, getting help when you are struggling is extremely important.