Notice of Cessation of Public Transport Services to the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney

By Kieran Blake on May 5, 2018 in Other

Trust your dear leaders, by Jane Flemming.

The New South Wales Government hereby serves notice of the commencement of daily mass participation exercise regimes in lieu of public transport services between the Eastern Suburbs and the Sydney CBD.
You, the citizen, will participate with fervour and gratitude in invigorating and joyous daily marches along routes previously utilised by train and bus services.
The wise actions of your benevolent leaders were taken in response to continued complacency among the populace, who enjoyed the world’s greatest public transportation infrastructure under the misguided belief that public transport is a taxpayer’s right, not a privilege.
You, the citizen, will now walk or jog while chanting praise for the supreme and glorious state and federal leaders in gratitude for the creation of the Festival of Uplifting Loyalty (FoUL) and the broader infrastructure policy, Better Daily Motions.
Official chants are available for study and memorisation on the FoUL App, which is currently uploading itself onto your phone. Opal cards will be connected to the app and will be used to collect daily loyalty donations from citizens and to measure each citizen’s requisite daily steps.
All loyalty donations will be distributed to corporations, foreign resources companies and large media organisations, to ensure your great and glorious nation maintains its current trajectory.
You will carry your Opal card on your person at all times and must produce your card when demanded by FoUL Inspectors.
Wifi hotspots and USB ports will be installed along all former public transport routes to enable the government to maintain the enthusiasm and joy of the populace during their participation in the Festival of Uplifting Loyalty.
As of 12.01am tomorrow morning, you will ‘tap on’ and ‘tap off’ at existing bus and train stops, which will remain in place as a reminder of your years of complacency, and of the wisdom and foresight of your magnificent leaders.
Should you wake up to the #blessed symbol on your FoUL App, you will know that you have been chosen to complete your requisite daily steps, as well as the steps of your beloved premier, Glorious Gladys. If you fail to fulfil this enormous honour, you will instead be forced to wake up next to Barnaby Joyce.
Daily loyalty donations from seniors will remain capped at $2.50, provided they complete a march from the Sydney CBD to either Lithgow, Newcastle or Bomaderry.
Citizens are reminded to avoid any contact with subversive and treacherous elements who would seek to protest or question the actions of your enlightened leaders and protectors. This includes the production or viewing of programs such as Utopia and the writing, publication and consumption of churlish satire.
Your loyalty and acquiescence are appreciated.