Parenting in the Eastern Suburbs

By Pearl Bullivant on March 4, 2011 in Other

Parenting in the Eastern Suburbs is hard work. Firstly, there’s the stress of organising the latest must do: the ‘babymoon’ (yes, pathetic yuppies can now part with $1500 for one last relaxing vacation before the bundle of joy arrives to destroy ones ‘lifestyle’).

Once the child is born there’s the stress of selecting the avant-garde name, the matching of the Bugaboo with the Sass & Bide outfit, and the daily routine of finding an illegal parking spot outside your favourite café on the C Road.

Then there’s the confusion of purchasing the most fashionable luxury 4WD to match the elite private school, not to mention the hard work involved in making your pink princess look just like Jemima Khan.

Parents of the east, forget the stress. Self-appointed parenting expert Pearl Bullivant is here to take the load and make life a lot more relaxing with some valuable parenting tips:

•    Refuse to take ownership of your child’s behaviour. Instead deflect it onto the parent of your child’s ‘victim’. Burst into tears when your aggressive little son sinks his teeth into an innocent two year-old. Say “hold that moment, I’m just ordering a latte” when you are approached by a mother whose child has just been pushed down the stairs of a café by your own child. Your child’s behaviour is not your fault, it’s the fault of the other mother. If she’d been watching her child it never would have happened.

•    “Kids love to dress up… these days there’s no excuse for your little one to be anything short of an on-trend fashionista”. Woe to any parent who purchases kiddies clothing from Kmart; it’s akin to child abuse.

•    The beach is a communist free-for-all. Don’t even think about purchasing sand toys – your child can just ‘borrow’ (steal) them from other children. You would never share your own beach towel but there’s nothing wrong with forcing other people’s children to share their toys with darling little Coco. Socialist moments are the new ‘Zen moments’.

•    The 4WD is all about you. Attempt to pass off the Mercedes 4WD as being about little Sari’s safety, but admit it sweetie, we all know it is about you and your image and ‘lifestyle’. And don’t forget the two-seater BMW sports car with baby capsule illegally placed in the front seat. Safety first!

•    Give your child an Italian name. Something like Valentino. And even though you aren’t Italian (and can’t even speak it) call his name in an annoying, fake Italian accent. Call the name loudly and often to accentuate the pretension – Valeeentttiiinoooo!

•    Hypocrisy is mandatory to being an Eastern Suburbs parent. Insist on organic sunscreen at your child’s preschool, despite poisoning your face with Botox. Push the ‘nude food’ (no plastic wrap) agenda despite owning two petrol-guzzling 4WDs and every chemical leeching computer accessory known to man.

•    Milk and wheat are the new evils of the 21st century. It’s compulsory for every Eastern Suburbs child to have a pseudo allergy so go with the safe, trendy option: the milk and wheat allergy. Milk and wheat are responsible for a range of maladies, including neurological diseases. God knows how the baby boomers who grew up with the school milk scheme have managed to function; no wonder the world is in such a mess.

•    Transfer your upper middle class guilt onto your child. Insisting that they receive World Vision donations for their birthday is the best place to start. ‘Workshop’ it through with them to avoid any ‘issues’.

Pearl xxx

P.S. What the hell is ‘organic sunscreen’?