Pearl’s Advice For Would-be Vehicle Buyers

By Pearl Bullivant on August 14, 2015 in Other

Photo: Ron Moss

Having read your column on many occasions I am well aware of your thoughts on gas-guzzling 4WDs. I’m a young mother of two in the market for a new car and was wondering what your thoughts were on the Subaru Forester? Is it too wanky? If it is, what would you recommend I purchase?

Thanks, Daniela

Go the whole hog, sweetie. You just can’t be living in the Eastern Suburbs without a gas-guzzling 4WD, so why shortchange yourself when you could be commandeering the narrow streets of Bondi in a huge black Range Rover, sleek white Lexus SUV or a bulldozing Jeep. A Subaru Forester is way too modest and small a car for an affluent and educated Eastern Suburbs mum. Think about the embarrassment you will be bringing upon your children, displaying either your lack of inherited wealth, earning power, or your inability to access salary packaging or novated leasing. Tut, tut!

Darling, without the mandatory, over-bloated 4WD your family just won’t be living the dream. Let’s forget that space is a premium that we all have to share. Forget the narrow roads, the lack of off-street parking, the access to government buses and the fact that most essential services (trendy café, beautician, gym, playgroup) can be accessed via foot.

And the liberties (and I stress the word liberties, because rampant conspicuous consumption makes a society a lot more interesting) you will be missing out on by not having a car of the Porsche Cayenne ilk – OMG! Apart from being a status symbol (though I do know a Yummy Mummy who ‘downgraded’ her Lexus SUV to a Maserati), possessing a huge 4WD means you can purchase a designer pram (or two) as big as a house and you will be afforded a license to do things one would never get away with in a sedan or a station wagon – oversized 4WDs allow you to push the boundaries of polite society. Double parking along CloBaby Road will be a breeze, cruising at 70km/h through a school zone is suddenly acceptable behaviour and bad parking will be forgiven with a wave of the manicured hand (one doesn’t want to be late for bikram yoga, darling).

As an added bonus, provoking road rage is far more fun from the relative safety of a huge beast, allowing the driver to take speed humps at 1km/h (because you don’t want to damage the suspension of your precious off-road vehicle), stop in the middle of the road to have a chat to a friend and hold up the exit at Westfield Bondi Junction because you are too busy on your mobile to look for your ticket. Bliss!

Seriously though, sweetie, any mother who writes to me for advice wouldn’t dare be seen in a 4WD. Forget the Forester (though I do have a soft spot for the pre-2009 model) and flaunt your differences and street cred with the Impreza WRX – bright yellow, spoiler and doof-doof music, but finished off with a ‘Say No To Fracking’ bumper sticker – now that is driving bliss!