Run, Run, as Fast as you Can

By Jeremy Ireland on August 3, 2021 in Other

I’ve joined a book club. I’ve never been in a book club before, and in all honesty, despite knowing we all read the same book and talk about it, I have no idea what to expect. Fortunately, someone else chose the title, Sapiens – A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari. It’s about how our species, Homo Sapiens, rose to the top of the animal kingdom. It turned out to be quite a page turner.
One of the themes really caught my attention. Around 30,000 years ago we were classified as hunters and gatherers, belonging to a tribe within a group of tribes called ‘bands’. It was not uncommon for the males of such bands to spread their seed far and wide, frequently resulting in the mother not knowing exactly who the father was. As the father was not often sure which kids were his, he would often show equal concern for all the kids in the tribe. Unlike today, tribes were not composed of nuclear families that centred on monogamy.
Proponents of this ‘ancient commune’ concept state that in today’s modern society most marriages end in divorce, with the fallout leaving psychological complexes on children and adults alike. Regardless of the original intent, forcing humans to live in nuclear families and have monogamous relationships can be “incompatible with our biological software”. Others may disagree, stating that nuclear families and monogamy are core human behaviours. Either way, it seems that in today’s society monogamy is the norm, with the average nuclear family in Australia having their 2.2 children.
The problem is, just last year the divorce rate in Australia hit an all-time high of 47 per cent – nearly one in two marriages, 50/50, heads or tails! It’s a hard statistic to get your head around, but I see it as bad odds for the married couple and good odds for the divorce lawyer. According to divorcemag.com – yes, there is such a site – many couples struggle with what is called the ‘pursuer-distancer’ dynamic. It is perhaps the most common reason couples fall out of love and stop being sexually intimate. This dynamic develops over time, slowly eroding the relationship to the point where it is untenable. John Gottman, who is considered the guru of marriage counselling, states that people “who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years have more than an 80 per cent chance of divorcing in the first four or five years”.
In a nutshell, the ‘pursuer-distancer’ dynamic is when one partner chases or pursues and the other partner withdraws or distances themselves. Typically, the pursuer tends to be critical and aggressive, with the distancer responding by withdrawing and thus becoming distant and defensive. It is extremely common in a marriage or intimate relationship for one person to blame the other when their needs are not being met, often leading couples to fight over the same issues repeatedly. This pattern leads to frustration, anger and resentment.
Normally these emotions intensify over time, especially when both partners feel they aren’t on the same page anymore. The real problem, however, is that eventually the pursuing and distancing can become ingrained because the behaviour of one partner provokes and maintains the behaviour of the other. It can be a chronic cyclic problem that can make a relationship become dysfunctional if it’s not addressed. It’s the classic, ‘the more one chases, the more the other runs away’ scenario.
If it feels like you’re the one who always initiates and attempts to get their partner to open up but with minimal effect, you may be the pursuer. If you’re the one who feels you’re being pressured and all you want to do is retreat and seek alone time, especially when under stress, than you are most likely the distancer. In turn, this increases the pursuer’s intensity and need for closeness, thus their desire to pursue. You can see how this dynamic can turn into a vicious cycle. More often than not, the distancer is not aware how distressed their partner is and will often be surprised when the pursuer finally pulls the plug.
There are many solutions, but a critical one is to strike a balance between alone time and together time that works for the two of you. Communication is the key here. If you feel like you are caught in such a cycle, professional help is recommended.