Sexual Shame

By Matty Silver, Sex Therapist on July 27, 2016 in Other

Feelings of shame can be devastating to our sex lives. One of the biggest obstacles many of my clients face in experiencing erotic pleasure is the sexual shame they have carried around with them since childhood.

So what exactly is sexual shame?

Well, none of us is born with shame. This feeling about sex may have been learned from our families, friends and peers, religious groups or cultural backgrounds. This shouldn’t come as a big surprise, because in our culture sex is still very much a taboo. So many religions and customs have linked sex with shame or guilt that few of us escape entirely unaffected.

Many of us may encountered shame for the first time as children. We were taught from a very early age not to touch our genitals, the implication being that it was bad to do so. We were often given silly names for our penis or vagina, as if to use the correct name was somehow offensive. And if we were caught masturbating or exploring our bodies while playing childhood games, we were told off and made to feel ashamed and guilty.

There are probably very few parents around who would explain to their children that masturbation is a normal and healthy activity and who would tell them to just enjoy it.

Sex is such a personal issue that it’s the most painful place a young person can be shamed. Now that social media has become so prevalent, it has become the common arena in which to harass someone. For example, the expression ‘slut shaming’ is often used online when teenage girls are being criticised (shamed) for their sexual expression or assumed sexual experiences. I don’t imagine there is any chance we will ever see ‘stud shaming’ used to the same extent.

If we don’t want people to feel ashamed about sex, what exactly is ‘normal sex’? Sex is a consensual act between adults and you can do anything you want as long as it’s legal and consensual. Bondage, group sex, cybersex, swinging, kinky sex, looking at porn or using sex toys – anything goes. And if you don’t have a partner, solo sex is a great way to self-pleasure.

Shame often turns into inhibitions. Women may not like their body shape, the size of their breasts, the look of their vagina, or the fact that they find it difficult to have an orgasm. Some men find it difficult to show their feelings because they believe it’s not a manly thing to do; they also may not like the size of their penis, or worry that they may lose their erection or come too quickly.

I always tell my clients that if they can’t talk about their desires and what turns them on, they can’t expect their partners to read their minds. I may sound like a broken record, but when it comes to sex, good communication can help a couple better understand each other. It’ll also help increase intimacy and make you feel more comfortable.

Isn’t it time to stop feeling ashamed?