The Lowest Depths Of Trendiness

By Pearl Bullivant on September 5, 2013 in Other

Photo: Carole Itten

‘Glamour’ is a word that has been synonymous with Eastern Suburbs gyms ever since the advent of personal training and the dubious placement of yoga and pilates on fitness timetables.

Gyms are crammed with eager yummy mummies (with kiddies secreted in a gym crèche) ready to stretch their gluten and lactose-free bodies and show off their designer gym gear without the exertion that requires a makeup-free face and the use of sweat glands.

An entire industry has been built around accommodating and marketing this glamour: fitness attire touted by a ‘zen-moment’ entrepreneur who looks like she has spent more time in a plastic surgeon’s office than sweating in a gym; the Women’s Fitness magazine penned by blonde lifestyle writers who have just stepped out of Vogue, not a weight training room; and diets replete with dubious fads like the ‘part-time vegan’ craze that is currently doing the rounds.

Through the cycle of fitness fads – Zumba, Body Attack, Cardio Tennis, RPM, Boxercise – there is one activity that, up until now, has avoided the palaver and short-term frenzy that accompanies any physical exertion trend – running!

Running, an activity that I took up with gusto following the breakdown of my first marriage, has been the daggy fitness alternative. Anyone can run; it requires nothing more than a pair of running shoes, shorts and t-shirt (and a good sports bra) and the willpower to get out there regardless of the weather, which is probably why running seems to be dominated by oldies like myself.

In my naïve mind there was no way a sport that produces so much sweat and tinea, together with a bright red face, could ever be turned into a ‘must do’ by the hipsters of Sydney. I have competed in numerous 10km races and ‘hipster’ has been the last thing on my mind when I survey the crowd. It’s more like slightly overweight 30 to 70 year-olds out there having a good time and working off that three-course dinner (finished with a delightful chocolate fondant) they had the night before. Even my running heros, like Robert de Castella, are names not usually associated with a sport exuding glamour or trendiness.

Alas, that has all changed. When a fashion model is interviewed these days she will credit running (and yoga) for her sleek physique. Running has been ‘sexed up’. A 10km run is passé when endurance and Tough Mudder events are all the rage. And people whose feet have barely hit concrete are extolling the virtues of barefoot running to anyone who will listen.

Recently, my favourite pursuit sunk to the lowest depths of trendiness when the SMH published numerous articles on the art of running including: “How to Look Presentable After a Run”. According to the article, running is bad for the face with regular joggers looking older than the average member of the population. Help is on hand though, via cosmetic surgery – there’s nothing that a shot of hyaluronic acid filler won’t fix – and who’d have thought advice on how to “look presentable” when visiting “a rather hip café” after a run would be so invaluable (light foundation and mascara is all you need)?

So joggers of the Eastern Suburbs, do the new hipster trend proud! Forget electrolytes; one should be applying makeup, not rehydrating. When the pulse hits 150 and you are dripping sweat remember to act in a way that’s “considerate of aesthetic elements” – no slobbishness on the pavement – and be conscious that there are “others around who have to look at you”. A pre-run botox shot will seal the deal! And gentlemen, be forewarned: there is nothing ‘hip’ about middle-aged men in Skins.